


Pull the Note From My Throat and Leave Me Alone

by melodramatic



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: AU, Blurryface, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Explicit Sexual Content, Flashbacks to Abuse, Fluff, Hidden lyrics, Josh is way too nice, M/M, Music, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, did, josh dun - Freeform, joshler - Freeform, music references, sorry - Freeform, tyler joseph - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 11:41:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9547613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodramatic/pseuds/melodramatic
Summary: Tyler tried to be Tyler as often as possible.Whether he succeeded or not was hardly up to him alone.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by, but is not based off of or related to, the film "Split" (2017). 
> 
> I took much time to research Dissasociative Identity Disorder (DID), and I tried to make Tyler resemble the disorder as closely as I could, however, I knowingly made minor changes to fit my story. So please keep that in mind as you read through this. Any and all feedback is much appreciated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _"I'm the son to all I've done. Imposter. Been fostered. Then my new father drained all my dirty blood."_  
>  _\- Clear_ , Twenty One Pilots

Tyler looked around the waiting room. It was the same as it always was; he didn’t even know why he was surveying it so closely. He had been coming here every week for the past three years, you would’ve thought by now he’d be used to it.

He looked to the fake potted plant on his right, and reached out to touch the leaves. They were cold, yet soft plastic. The same plastic he inspects every week.

He wondered when they’d get a new plant.

A woman with light brown hair was sitting behind the reception desk, and he recalls only seeing her a few times before. He figured she was new, especially considering she addressed him as “Mr. Joseph” to which he immediately corrected her: “Just Tyler… please.”  
She had nodded slowly and restated, “Tyler, sorry.”  
Tyler just shook his head, mumbled something of an “it’s okay” and sat down in the same chair he always sits.

The same chair he looked up from when a door opened to his left and a man in a plain white T-shirt, and dark colored jeans came out, waving one last time and saying goodbye with a large grin on his face.

“Thanks again, Doctor Carol!” He called on his way out.

“See you soon, Joshua!” She called back.

Joshua made eye contact with Tyler for a brief second, flashing a small smile his way. He was then gone down the hallway.

Tyler looked back towards Doctor Carol.

“Are you ready?” She asked.

He stood up, wiping non-existent debris from his jeans.  
“‘Course.”

“Come on in.”

He walked into the office, immediately feeling on edge. He loved Doctor Carol, but he never cared much for the office. Everything was so stiff and the placement for everything was so thought-out it almost made Tyler want to put a few things out of place, just so you’d be able to tell someone actually inhabited this office on a frequent basis.

Despite all of that, he looked forward at Doctor Carol who had sat down in a chair in front of him, holding her notepad and crossing her legs.

“And with whom am I speaking today?” She asked, a bit too nonchalantly.

“T-tyler. You’re speaking with me, Tyler. As always, Doctor Carol.”

She nodded carefully and pursed her lips, letting her eyes linger on Tyler’s facial expression a beat too long.

“Are you sure?”

Tyler tapped his fingers against his knee and his eyes flicked downwards for a second.

“I- I’m always sure.”

She raised her eyebrows to that, and nodded again, “Good. How’ve you been, Tyler?”

Tyler relaxed a bit, letting his hand just rest against his knee as he bathed in the new, more relaxed atmosphere.

He never liked it when people questioned him on which personality was present. He was Tyler. As often as he could be, he was Tyler. He was Tyler at home, he was Tyler at work, and he was Tyler on the weekends. Some days he even thought he liked being Tyler.  
Those days seemed to be shorter than other days, though.

“I’ve been well. The same as usual,” he answered.

“You seem a bit off today. Is everything alright?”

“Who was that that left your office right before I came in? I thought I was your only patient on Wednesday mornings?” Tyler asked, completely avoiding her question.

“Oh, Joshua? He’s my nephew.”

“You have him call you doctor?”

“Only around the office. Good for appearances,” she chuckled, and Tyler offered a small smile.

“How old is he?”

“Same age as you, actually. 21. Why this sudden interest in my nephew? You’ve seen him before.”

“Have I?”

“He was here the last time you came in. Last week.”

Tyler paused, “I don’t remember seeing him.”  
He looked down at his legs, and planted them evenly on the floor, studying the simple swirled design of the carpet.

“Tyler?”

He looked up.

“Do you remember our session from last week?”

Tyler thought, and then shook his head slowly.  
“Wait- I think I remember.”

Doctor Carol waited in silence.

“Do you really?”

Tyler put his face in his hands, and shook his head once more.  
He was ashamed of himself.

“It's okay Tyler. This happens to most of my patients, it's normal," Doctor Carol stated, trying to be reassuring.

“But I-I don’t understand, I swear I was Tyler last time, I swear.”  
“I’m always Tyler,” he added for good measure.

She pursed her lips again and leaned forward to look him intently in the eyes.

“I must ask, Tyler, Who met with me last week?”

He rubbed his face with his hands and then placed them in his lap, and looked towards the ground. He paused for a moment, asking around in his brain.

“Was it your full name?"

Tyler nodded, and then put his face back in his hands.

“It’s okay, it happens. I knew it wasn’t you last week. I could tell right away. The difference between you two is remarkable considering you're technically quite similar.”

“But, right now, I am Tyler. You have to believe me.”

She sat back in her chair, and paused. A good moment passed by where neither of them said anything. Tyler’s heart was beating out of his chest.

It was beating too hard for his own good. He was Tyler at the moment, and there was no doubt about it. Although there were other personalities crawling and scratching at the floorboards in his brain, begging to take the light, he knew Tyler had the light right now and that’s how he wanted to keep it.

“I believe you,” Doctor Carol stated suddenly.

“I don’t know what happened last time, I- I’m trying so hard, Doctor Carol, to keep the light I’m trying, but they get mad at me, you know?”

“I know, I know. It’s hard, I know.” Despite the fact that she can’t actually know because she doesn’t suffer from what he does, she can empathize.

“Who gets the most angry, among you all?” She asked.

He just looked her in the eyes for a second, hoping she would answer that question herself. After she didn’t, he reluctantly stated the character’s name.

She nodded, “Ah, yes, that’s what I figured. Does he get violent with you?”

“He tries to sometimes. When I refuse to let him come out - even when we’re alone - he can get really violent.”

There was a silence. Doctor Carol put on the glasses that had been hanging around her neck and wrote something on her notepad.

“What’re you writing?” Tyler asked, knowing good and well she wouldn’t tell him.

She smiled, “C’mon, Tyler. You and I both know I don’t discuss my notes with anyone.”

He nodded, “I know.”

“And work?” She asked, “How’s work been?”

“It’s been going pretty well, actually. They all think I’m normal, so that’s good.”

“No one else ever goes to work instead of you?”

Tyler shook his head, “It’s always me.”

“I’m very glad to hear that. You know, you’re one of my only patients to have a steady job, Tyler. I’m proud of you. I know you still struggle a lot with the others, but for the most part you’re one of my best patients when it comes to being consistent in your personality,” She stated, taking her glasses back off.

“Thank you. That means a lot to me,” Tyler gave a strained smile because he was never good at accepting compliments.

And it did. It meant a lot to Tyler. He didn’t have any people in his life to give him commendation on how good he was doing, and how far he has come.

Because, the fact is, he has come very very far. As a younger man, he would switch personalities almost every few hours, due to something that triggered him. He didn’t even know it was happening. All he knew is that he would wake up exhausted sometimes standing in the middle of a room or sometimes in his car, in the middle of the road, and he had to pull over immediately to avoid getting into an accident.

After three years coming to Doctor Carol, however, the personalities receded. He was left with three main ones. And more often than not, he was Tyler. Tyler helped him know who he was, because if you would’ve asked him his favorite type of music three years ago, he would’ve had no idea how to answer you. Now, he answers with confidence. Because he knows Tyler. If he knows Tyler, then he knows himself.

His full name was similar, but his full name was cowardly, and full of fear. Tyler hated being his full name. He’d freeze at every car horn and break down at every silent reminder of the hell he used to live in.

His third personality was his most dangerous one, and was the one he harbored the most hatred towards. He rarely showed himself, and when he did it was usually after some sort of emotionally painful event (such as a nightmare or a flashback to his childhood). The most dangerous part of it, was that he never had any idea what he would do. He would just wake up in the middle of a dire situation, usually involving more than himself. And usually those other people were hurt. Hurt very bad.

Never killed, because his third personality was not a murderer. A sadist, maybe. But not a murderer.

He tried to not even speak the third one’s name in case that would awaken him. Explaining this to anyone was almost impossible, so he just kept silent.

Many thoughts like this later, and Tyler was walking out of Doctor Carol’s office, giving a traditional goodbye hug and making his way to his car.

He was still on edge. He wasn’t entirely sure why - well, yes he was. He was afraid of being alone.

He didn’t want to go back to his empty apartment, look through his empty fridge, watch some empty TV and then sleep in his empty bed. He knew he was the worse when he was alone.

He didn’t want to be alone.

Regardless, before he knew it, he was turning into his empty driveway.

He sat in his car for a second, just looking over the apartment complex. It looked sad. Dull and grey. Sad.

He got out of his car and walked quickly.

://:

_Tyler sat in the living room, playing with the new toys he had just gotten from a fair at school. He was excited: he never got new toys. His mom always made him play with the old ones his brother used to have, the ones that were so old you almost couldn’t even tell what they were supposed to be._

_He loved his new toys._

_He usually wasn’t allowed to play in the living room, because of the valuables that resided there, but he just couldn’t help himself. There was so much more space to use his imagination. It wasn’t like anyone would know he was playing in here anyways._

_Alas, he spoke too soon._

_He threw his new Superman action figure across the room to simulate his flight, but it crashed into a picture of him and his brother that they had framed on the mantel, and Tyler watched in horror as the picture fell to the floor and shattered._

_His hands started shaking._

_No, no, no, no, His brain cried._

_There was no way we was getting out of this._

_He heard a car pull up in the driveway. Heels clicked and the front door was open._

_“Hey, Ty,” His mom greeted._

_He looked up at her._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_He gulped._

_She threw her purse on the couch and put her hands on her hips._

_“I asked you a fucking question, don't just stare at me like some dumbass. What’s the matter?”_

_“Mom, I didn’t - the picture fell, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”_

_She looked at the ground and scanned the scene for a second before nodding carefully._

_“Clean it up,” She demanded._

_He obeyed. He got on his hands and knees and started picking up the little glass shards._

_Suddenly he felt a crushing weight on his back and he face-planted into the glass._

_“This is what you get when you make a mess in my fucking house!” She screamed, her heels digging into his spine.  
He cried out in pain to no avail - they were the only two home._

_“You fucking piece of shit! Go to your room!”_

_The second the weight was lifted from his back, he ran crying into his room, and immediately hid under the bed._

_There was silence. Far too much silence. Almost as if the world stopped turning and everyone held their breaths just waiting to see what would happen next._

_Tyler was in pain. So, so much pain. But he didn’t dare to go and try to clean himself up just yet._

_There were padded footsteps along the hallway, getting closer and closer to his room.  
The door to his room opened and he watched as his mom’s feet stopped._

_“Tyler Robert Joseph, are you in here?”_

_He didn’t answer._

_“Tyler Robert Joseph! I asked you a question!” She shouted._

_He didn’t answer._

_“You fucking-” she dropped down and they made eye contact from where he was under the bed. She had a belt in her hand._

_She grabbed Tyler’s ankle and dragged him out from under the bed._

_He remembered screaming for help and he remembered waking up with an aching body, but nothing in between._

://:

Tyler’s eyes shot open. His heart was pounding and his hands were sweating.

No, no, no, His brain cried.

He felt dizzy as he stood up.

“Stop,” He whispered to himself.

But it was too late. He was here.

“Stop!” He cried.

He was too late.

“I am Tyler!” He screamed, clawing at his own chest. He wanted to stay Tyler, he was so, so afraid of what he would do when Tyler wasn’t around to dictate.

“I am Tyler!” He tried again.

He screamed in agony as he felt a strong presence work it’s way from the back of his head to the front of his head, taking advantage of the gap in the light.  
Tyler sank down to his knees, pounding the floor with his fists, desperately doing anything to scare Him off.

“I am-” nothing. He paused. He looked down at his fist on the floor, looked up at the ceiling, and looked back down at his fist.

“Blurry,” he whispered.

“I am Blurry.”

 _Liar! Liar! Liar!_ A second opinion in his head shouted.

“Shut up!” He screamed into the ground.

The voices stopped speaking.

Satisfied, Blurry stood from his kneeled-over position on the floor and walked towards the bathroom, flicking on the light and looking himself over in the mirror. He shook his head. Tyler was trying hard to regain consciousness, even though they both knew Blurry was stronger when there was no one else in the house to stop him.

He looked into the mirror, and didn’t recognize the face staring back.

“Blurryface,” He whispered.

“My name is Blurryface.”

 _Liar! Liar! Liar!_ The voice shouted again.

“Stop talking! There,” He pounded his fist on the counter,

“Is,” _pound_

“No,” _pound_

“Tyler!” _Pound_.

There were claws in his brain. Claws begging him to relinquish control. Never would Blurry do such a thing. It felt so good to have the light, so right. He deserved this after being shut up for so long. His bones ached for this.

He needed this.

Looking into the mirror once again, he decided he was dissatisfied with the reflection.

He reeled his fist back and threw it into the mirror at full force, shards of glass shattering all around him, and his whole hand up to his wrist was now covered in mini scars, some deeper than others.

His heart beat steadily.

He felt so alive.

There was glass everywhere, even cutting his bare feet.

He knew Tyler felt the pain but he felt nothing and it was liberating.

He wondered what else he could not feel.

He left the bathroom, not thinking twice about the shattered mirror and moved towards the kitchen where he zeroed in on the knives, immediately moving to the sharpest one. He took it in his hands, adrenaline pumping through his veins. He was excited to test his strength. See what he could withstand.

Blurry sat down. He held out his arm, and jammed the knife through.

Quick. Easy. Painless.

When he removed it, a stream of blood came rushing down his arm, dripping on the floor. It was going fast. He took the knife and dragged it across - diagonally this time - so the two scars connected.

He put the knife down and admired his work.

He started to laugh. He couldn’t even feel Tyler’s presence anymore. It was only him. He was excited.

Wanting to see what else he was capable of, he put on a jacket and headed outside, walking in the pitch black with a knife poorly hidden in his pocket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feel free to comment I'd love to know what you think about it so far. The next chapter should be up within a day or two, as I'm just putting on the finishing touches. Thank you all


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Take these broken things, turn them to something, but please, don't follow me."_  
>  _\- Lost at Sea_ , Never Shout Never

Tyler was exhausted. Mentally, physically, and very emotionally exhausted. He had no idea where he was or how to get home.

He woke up around trees, the knife from his pocket missing, and the wounds from his left hand had stopped bleeding, but had not been bandaged up.

He was so, so dizzy.

He started walking. He knew once he had a clear idea of where he was, he’d know how to get home. He walked until he saw a bridge and then stopped in the middle to lean over the railing and catch his breath.

He was so, so tired.

He felt like crying. His arm was throbbing with pain, his head too, and his knees felt weak. And the worse part is, he had no idea why. All he knew is that he was not Tyler last night.

He checked his watch, it read 5:02am.

He sighed. He still had a few hours before he had to be at work. He could make it. He just needed to look for clues as to where he was.

“Can’t sleep?”

Tyler whipped his head to the left, “Sorry?”

“Well it’s awfully early to be out walking if you could sleep,” The man chuckled.

Tyler nodded, and gave him a small smile. He knew this man. He couldn’t place it, but he knew him from somewhere.

The man stuck his hand out, “Josh. I saw you at Doctor Carol’s office yesterday.”

“Ah, that’s right. You’re her… nephew?”

Josh nodded, “Yup.”

“Nice,” Tyler concluded. He was not in the mood for conversation. He looked back over the freeway that ran under the bridge and started looking at the road signs.

“Hey, um, I don’t mean to get into your business or anything - I know we’ve just met- but, are you okay?”

Tyler looked back at Josh and cocked an eyebrow, “What do you mean?”

“Well your clothes are all dirty and your face is kinda scratched up. A bit of a difference from when I saw you at the office,” Josh chuckled, trying to lighten the mood, but Tyler didn’t move a muscle.

 _Shit_ , he cursed to himself, _I didn’t even think of cleaning myself up._

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit… tired, I guess.”

“Do you need a ride home?”

Under any other circumstance, Tyler would’ve said no. He was very independant. He could walk, call a cab, or something. He didn’t need anyone to take him home.

But this wasn’t like any other circumstance.

“I- If it wouldn’t be too much of a bother. I’d really like that.”

“Of course, my pleasure. Come, my car is this way,” Josh started walking the opposite way Tyler came onto the bridge.

They walked in unison, Tyler with his head tilted down, and Josh with his head held high. Something told Tyler his head was always held high.

“Right here,” Josh announced after about a block.

Tyler got in quietly.

He wasn’t sure why he was in this car if he was being honest. He usually walked home after he found himself in an unknown place. No one had ever offered him a ride home before, no one had ever asked if he was okay, and he had no one to call. The only constant person in his life was his therapist. And even she had a limit to what she would do for him.

He didn’t have friends, he didn’t have family.

He had a goldfish.

And that was just about where his contact with anyone else ended.

He wondered if his goldfish missed him when he wasn’t home.

"Do you usually walk this way when you can’t sleep?” Josh asked, pulling Tyler from his thoughts.

Tyler had no idea to respond so he answered as vaguely as he could, “On occasion.”

Josh nodded.

“So, have you been meeting with my aunt for long?”

“Yeah, I guess. It’s gonna be three years this May.”

“Oh wow. I can’t believe she’s never mentioned you.”

Tyler shrugged, “I’m not really much to mention.”

Josh looked at him at that comment. And it was in that moment that he took in Josh’s facial features. He was handsome. No doubt about it. He had large brown eyes, and vivid blue hair. He was honestly quite attractive.

Tyler felt very self-conscious all of a sudden.

Josh looked back towards the road, “Well, I would’ve mentioned it if you were one of my patients that’s for sure.” A small smile crept on his face.

Tyler flushed red and mentally cursed himself for being so susceptible to these feelings he never thought he’d feel.

“So you’re in the same field as Doctor Carol, then?” He asked, rather than harping on the subject Josh brought up.

“Oh, no I’m not. I’ve always loved psychology and helping people, but on the other hand, I love music. I work at the record shop on North High.” Josh lit up. Clearly, he loved his job.

Tyler wished he could say the same.

“You should stop by sometime,” Josh added after a silence.

Tyler looked at him, “Why?”

He shrugged, “I like making new friends.”

He sounded so sincere. So, incredibly sincere. He just wanted to make a new friend. Tyler couldn’t remember the last time someone invited him somewhere out of such pure intention.

He told his heart to be a little suspicious, just in case.

Nevertheless, he nodded. “Okay. I will.”

“Plus, I can get you a discount on some sweet vinyls.”

Tyler wanted to laugh, but he was far too tired for that. So he settled for a breathy giggle, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Good.”

Josh kept a small smile on his face as they pulled into the driveway, while Tyler tried not to let the small dip in the road hurt his head too much.

Tyler was about to get out without another word, when Josh called his name.

“Hey, if you ever find yourself walking in the middle of the night again, feel free to stop by my place. You know where I live now, so.”

“Even this early in the morning?”

“‘Course. I tend not to get much sleep, anyways.”

Tyler wondered if he meant that the same way Tyler would mean it.

“Okay. I will. Thanks for the invite.”

"Tyler!”

He spun around once again, and Josh ran up to him thrusting a piece of paper in his hand.

“Here. I don’t know when I’ll see you again, so here’s my number. Call me whenever.” And with that, Josh was back in his car and down the street.

Tyler looked at the paper for a few moments, wondering what incentive Josh had to give it to Tyler.

He shoved it in his pocket, wanting to save it for later.

His heart was beating in his ears, _Friend, friend, friend, friend,_ It whispered. Tyler was confused.

So he turned around and walked into his house. He began to feel groggy again, only then realizing that while he was with Josh, he felt relatively alright.

He looked down at his arm and sighed.

He needed to bandage and clean himself up before he did anything else. His intention was to go and clean himself up in the bathroom, but he found his hands twisting the knob to his study room rather than the bathroom. As to why, he was unsure; he hadn’t entered this room in months.

He stepped inside and surveyed the old piano in the corner of the room with sheets upon sheets of crumpled paper in the trash can next to the piano.

No music he wrote was ever good enough.

His feet carried him to the crumpled sheets of paper and he unraveled one of them.

“Just Like Yesterday,” It read at the top, followed by several lines of words and notes.

He stared at it for a few seconds before placing it gently atop the piano. He shook his head. He felt claws. He put his face in his hands and scratched at his scalp.

He was so, so tired.

He felt bile rise from his throat, and he choked on his saliva. His eyes stung.

Sudden, but not unexpected, hot tears streamed down and split where the heels of his hands were pressed against his eyes.

He remembers being 17, sitting in his new, but dark and empty apartment and writing this song in a few mere hours. He remembers the feelings that incited this song, and he remembers how he cut open his heart and let the blood form words on a page and let it dance on the keys of his piano, because this was the only escape he had besides letting his literal blood spill. That was a lot more fatal. At the time, though, he didn’t care.

He thought about how he still wouldn’t mind if his blood spilled past the point of no return.

Maybe he hasn’t really come that far after all.

He sank to his knees and his tears wouldn’t stop spilling.

He didn’t make it to work that day.

://:

 Tyler was retracing his steps. He needed to know where he was the night the most dangerous side of him was let loose. He needed to know why he was missing a kitchen knife. He found himself back in the trees (which he found to be a 20 minute walk, on the outskirts of his small neighborhood), where he woke up and he looked around.

It was beautiful here. He didn’t get to take this all in when he first woke up, because he was too scared to notice anything beyond his immediate line of vision.

Tyler spun around on his heel, basking in the fresh air and the songs of the birds. He felt like he could live here. It was beautiful in every way.

In some odd way, he wanted to get to know this place. To know the trees. He wanted to know why some looked like they were waving their arms, and other looked like they were hunched over in despair. He wanted to know why the tallest were the scariest and why the shortest were the funniest, and he knew that if these trees could talk, boy oh boy would they have stories to tell. They’d tell stories of lovers looking for a quick getaway. They’d tell stories of men who needed a spot for the perfect body disposal. They’d tell tall tales of the creatures who roamed in between tree trunks at night who looked like The Scary but were actually The Scared.

Scared of their image. Scared of their immaturity.

Maybe, like him, scared of their own ceiling and had the crippling fear that they’d die of uncertainty.

Dying in it of itself was fine - an easy thought.  
To die still uncertain of who he was seemed like a lifetime wasted. A lifetime traversing aimlessly. Coming into the world with nothing and leaving it with even less.

This place was beautiful, yet horrific.

Tyler wondered a bit less why Blurry had gone here.

Looking around, he spotted a tree high up, and decided his view of the land would be better from up there. He was still sore, and had cuts and bruises that hurt even more when he stretched far to climb, but he didn’t mind. The pain was relieving in a way. It reminded him he was alive, and no matter how lifeless he felt, he was clearly still a little bit human.

He wondered how Josh felt. If Josh felt every emotion, contorted his face at every minor discomfort, and shed a tear at every sad film ending.

Tyler was curious.

He took out his cell phone, and dialed the number that had been left in his right jean pocket. In that moment, he was grateful he only ever wore one pair of jeans.

The phone rang once, twice.

“Hello?” A familiar voice answered.

Tyler let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding.

“Hey, Josh. It’s Tyler.”

“Tyler! I was hoping I’d get a call from you.”

“Really? Why?”

He could practically hear Josh’s smile from the other side.

“Well, I like talking to you.”

Tyler paused.

“We’ve only had, like, three conversations.”

“I know. But you’re always so interesting.”

Tyler was very caught off guard. He felt like throwing his phone.

“Interesting? That is one of the last adjectives I would use to describe myself.”

“Well, it’s one of the first I would use.”

The both laughed politely, and then Tyler is suddenly glad he didn’t throw his phone.

“So what’re you up to?” Josh asked.

Tyler looked around and pictured Josh seeing him sitting up in a tree, a hood on his head and way-too-visible scars staining his left wrist.

“Nothing much. I’m pretty bored, actually. What’re you doing?”

“Practicing my drums. I just got this sick new set and I love it.”

"You play music?" Tyler asked.

"Yup. It's my passion. Do you play any instuments?"

Tyler thought for a second.

“I dabble in the piano,” Is what he settled on saying.

Josh hummed into the phone, “Can I hear you play sometime?”

Tyler played that question over and over again in his head. Sure, he had plenty of songs he could play, but they were pretty shitty in his opinion, and he never even considered letting anyone else hear them. He wasn’t sure why, but his hands started to shake.

“Really?”

“Yeah - well, if it’s okay with you,” Josh added.

“I’d have to warn you, though, I’m not very good.”

Josh laughed, “I’m sure you’re great. It’d be really cool to hear someone play the piano. All of my other friends play drums, like me.”

Even though Josh couldn’t see him, Tyler nodded, “Well… okay. When would you like to come over?”

“Are you doing anything tonight?”

Tyler thought of the whole reason he came to this beautiful patch of forest in the first place. He thought of his missing kitchen knife, and he thought of his weak arm, and he thought of how bad he was in need of some rest.

“Nope.”

“So how about around 6? Oh, and I can bring a few movies for us to watch.”

Tyler’s heart warmed a bit but he wasn’t sure if that was bad or good so he kept his tone cold. He pulled the phone away from his ear to check the time: 3:45.

“Sounds good to me.”

“Okay, cool. I’ll see you then.”

Tyler hung up without another word.

He had to admit, he was a bit excited. The feeling was too unfamiliar to bask in, so he shielded it by playing out everything that could go wrong in his head.

Josh could cancel. Which wasn’t really that bad. It’d be worse if Josh came over and decided “Hey maybe Tyler isn’t as interesting as I thought.” Which was, after all, plausible.

Tyler started to get anxious, and felt a familiar knot in his stomach. Now this was a feeling he was okay with.

He made his way back to his house, his hands in his pockets and his head tilted down. He thought of how Josh never seemed to have his head tilted down.

So he looked up. He looked at the cars passing by, the young lady across the street walking her dog, the old man looking both ways multiple times before gaining the courage to cross the street.

Tyler decided to put his head down again.

://:

There was a knock at the door and it startled Tyler. It was in that moment he realized Josh was probably the first one to ever knock on his door for something other than business.

He wiped non-existent debris from his pants and answered the door.

“Salutations,” Josh waved, casually. He was wearing a dark shirt, some foreign band name printed on the front. His jeans seemed tight, but that was none of Tyler’s business, and he was wearing a snapback. It made Tyler a bit sad because he liked seeing his vibrant blue hair dance with every movement Josh made but, once again, that was none of Tyler’s business.

_Salutations?_

“Um, hi. Come on in.”

Tyler wondered what he was doing. He felt uber self-conscious and then he realized he didn’t think he ever had anyone come over to his house in a casual setting.

Josh looked around at the sparsely decorated place, “Is this a new place?”

Tyler shook his head. “No. I’m just not one for decorations, I guess.”

Josh nodded. He turned to Tyler suddenly, “So, check this out.”

Josh shouldered off his sports bag, and proceeded to take out two DVD cases.

“I brought two movies. One of them is the Disney classic _Tangled_ because it’s a cinematic masterpiece. And this one,” He fumbled with the cases for a second and Tyler found it endearing, “Is _The Imitation Game_ with Benedict Cumberbatch. It’s much more intense, but also really good.”

Tyler took a step towards Josh and grabbed both of the movies from his hands.

“This is a hard choice.”

“But first,” Josh snatched the movies from Tyler’s hands with a mischievous smirk on his face, “You must show me your piano skills.”

Tyler’s face reddened, and he couldn’t stop a small smile from forming, “I’m not that good actually. I just know a few songs.”

“Well, either way, I cannot wait to see this other, musical side of you.”

Tyler’s smile faded and he couldn’t help but wondering how Josh would react if he knew that Tyler, indeed had more than one side. Three main sides, to be exact.

“Well, then let’s go I guess.”

Josh punched the air in a display of excitement and Tyler simply shook his head to derail the thoughts that could easily be mistaken for romantic notions.

He sat on the piano stool and could feel Josh stop shortly behind him.

He turned around, “Do you have any requests? Like, bands, or more popular songs I might know?”

“I was thinking more like… an original?”

“Like a song I’ve written myself?”

“Yeah.”

Tyler thought. He had songs. He had lots of songs actually. He didn’t really like many of them. He didn’t think Josh would like them either. But he guessed it was worth a shot.

“Okay, sure,” Tyler turned back to the piano and pressed down on a few keys. He was going to play the first song that came to mind.

His fingers moves precisely, and he didn’t miss a single note. He had played this song so many times on his own, that it was second nature to him when he sat on the stool and played the song.

And he remembered being 17.  
He remembered moving out on his own, being scared of his own head, his own heart, and he remembered wanting to die. His brain was plagued with the worst of thoughts. No one knew the things he had seen.

For 17 years of his life he had lived in agony. Worst of all, is he couldn’t give you any specific examples. He remembered curtains closing - which he knew was a sign that he should fear for his life - and then he remembered curtains opening. Nothing in between.

Never anything in between.

He doesn’t remember feeling any pain. Because he didn’t receive any pain. Tyler didn’t feel the pain - no, Tyler Robert Joseph felt the pain. Tyler Robert Joseph knew everything, but Tyler never let Tyler Robert Joseph take the light because he knew the second he did, every single repressed emotion and/or memory would surface all at once and that wasn’t something he wanted.

But he didn’t let any of this show on his face as his fingers switched from key to key and his voice did the same.

He finished, and immediately retracted his fingers from the keyboard. He sat still waiting for a reaction. A knot formed in his gut.

“Wow,” Josh breathed.

Tyler whipped his head around and studied Josh’s reaction.

“Sorry, I haven’t played in awhile.”

“Why are you apologizing? That was… honestly, that was one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard. Like, in my life. I’m not kidding.”

Tyler was stunned. Josh was clearly kidding. He had to be. No one said those kinds of things in real life.

“Thank you,” Tyler said, putting his head down, and planting his feet evenly on the ground.

Suddenly Josh was sitting down, crossing his legs in a childlike manner, and meeting Tyler’s eye level.

Tyler immediately smiled. Not on purpose, though.

“It was wonderful,” Josh stated, smiling as well, “I’d love to hear more sometime.”

Tyler’s heart skipped a beat, “You’re serious?”

“Of course. I don’t joke around about my music.”

They both laughed, and then a comfortable silence set over the room that Tyler would have never thought to be comfortable before this experience.

“You have a really nice smile.”

Tyler turned beet red, and put his face in his hands. He didn’t know what to say, so he just started laughing.

He felt odd. He was warm, and he was blissfully unaware of anything going on outside of their room, but he doubted it could be more important than what was going on right here.

He assumed this is what having friends felt like.

When he removed his hands from over his eyes, he saw Josh still sitting on the ground in front of him, except now he was grinning so huge his teeth were showing.

He mumbled a small, “Thank you,” and Josh responded accordingly.

“Can I use your bathroom real quick?” Josh asked.

Tyler nodded.

“Oh, but wait, use the one in my room. The other one has a broken toilet.” Tyler felt like Josh could see right through him, but Josh just nodded and used the one in Tyler’s bedroom.

Because it was only in that moment that Tyler remembered he still hadn’t picked up the broken glass.

Tyler knew they were in a bubble of friendship right now. He knew Josh wouldn’t feel this way about Tyler for long, and he knew sooner or later Josh would leave him, so the longer he could keep Josh in the dark when it came to his disorder, the better.

Tyler shook his head, trying to rid himself of any and all thoughts.

He went into the living room and started reading the description on the back of the two DVDs. He liked intense movies, and would love to see the one that Josh picked, but he also didn’t want to risk any of his other sides taking the light due to something catching it’s eye.

Nevertheless, he put _The Imitation Game_ in his DVD slot, and turned the television on.

“So which one are we watching?” Josh asked as he left the bathroom and bounced into the living room.

“Um, I thought the one with Benedict Cumberbatch.”

“Ah, so you like the more intense films.”

Tyler laughed, “Not always but this one seems pretty interesting.”

Josh chuckled and sat on the couch right next to Tyler.

Tyler took a quick survey of the couch.

All of this room, He thought, and Josh chooses to sit right next to me.

He smiled to himself.

The first few minutes of the movie was watched in silence. They stared at the screen, admiring the pretty opening landscapes, and paid attention to the story that was slowly building. It only took a few minutes before Josh made a remark that was met by a similar remark from Tyler, and soon enough the movie wasn’t important. Because the conversation between them was so much more valuable than what one character was saying to another character.

Tyler’s eyes flickered to the window. It was getting dark. He felt it starting to get dark within his mind, as well.

But he was not going to allow someone who wasn’t Tyler to take the light.

Especially not while Josh was there.

He looked at Josh. He was back to watching a scene unfold on the TV, and somewhere in the process he had taken his snapback off. His hair was still blue, still very much alive despite the tips that seemed to be fading.

Josh turned to him.

“I like your hair,” Tyler blurted, without thinking thoroughly. He immediately felt embarrassed, his face going red.

“Thank you, I grow it myself.”

Tyler laughed, probably a bit too hard, but he laughed nonetheless.

Josh was still staring at him, and he started to feel a bit self conscious. He didn’t know why Josh’s gaze was so prominent.

Either way, Tyler turned back to the TV. It took him a second, but Josh turned back as well. Only this time, Tyler cocked his head to the side in order to rest it on Josh’s shoulder. Josh responded immediately by placing his arm around Tyler.

It was so comfortable.

Tyler vaguely wondered why he had never experienced comfort to this degree before. He had a comfortable bed, a comfortable couch, and even his floor was comfortable to an extent.

But this was new. It was new and it already surpassed everything else he knew. He’d take this simple position over anything else any other day.

Which is why he could only be slightly irritated when Josh broke the silence.

“Tyler?”

Tyler moved his head so that he was facing Josh and then Josh repositioned himself so that he was facing Tyler.

“I have a question for you. I mean, you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to, but I’m just curious.”

Tyler’s heart started beating fast. He had no idea what Josh was about to ask and part of him just wanted to run away right then and there. But he didn’t.

“Okay.”

“So,” He muted the TV, “Why do you see my aunt on Wednesday mornings?”

Tyler paused for a second.

“She’s my psychiatrist,” He answered plainly.

“No, I know that, but, like. What do you see her for? What does she help you with?”

Tyler gulped. He felt the bubble shatter.

“Why are you asking?”

Josh shrugged and looked down. He started toying with a piece of loose string on the couch, “I’m sorry, I just - I was just wondering. Everything about you is so,” He gestured to Tyler’s person, “Intriguing. I always want to know more about you.”

 _Sincere_ , is the first word that popped into Tyler’s head.

“Oh. Well, um. Do you know what Dissociative Identity Disorder is?” His voice got noticeably smaller upon pronouncing the words.

Josh nodded.

“Well, that’s why I see her. Because that’s what I have.”

Josh’s mouth formed a small “o” and his eyebrows shot up.

“That’s… pretty serious.”

Tyler nodded, “Yeah, it is.”

There was a short silence.

“How long have you had it?”

Tyler shrugged, “No idea. Since my early teen years, I’m assuming. I didn’t even know I had it until someone pointed it out to me, actually.”

Josh’s eyebrows furrowed in concentration, as he seemed to be deep in thought.

“Sorry, I know it’s a lot. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. The-”

“Wait, no, I just asked because I was curious.”

Tyler sat there, looking confused at Josh, “You don’t want to leave?” He asked him.

Josh shook his head, “Not unless you want me to. I mean, I- I really like you.”

Tyler was shocked. Josh must’ve seen it written on his face, because he chuckled and then added, “You’re really cool. I like being here.”

“Oh, okay,” Tyler stated in a quiet voice.

“C’mere.”

Tyler moved back to occupy the position he had moved from, putting his head against Josh’s chest, and Josh wrapped his arm back around Tyler. He unmuted the TV, and they continued watching.

It was very It was warm and Tyler was very skeptical.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _"I tried to tie my heart down, board up all the windows, oh but it's too late now, I let you get too close."_  
>  _-Force of Nature_ , Bea Miller

“You seem to be in high spirits today,” Is how Doctor Carol greeted Tyler on one particular Wednesday morning.

Tyler walked into the office, trying to suppress the smile on his face as he made his way to the same side of the couch he always sits.

He shrugged, “I suppose.”

“Why is that, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Tyler looked around the room. This room usually put him in edge due to the explicit cleanliness, but today he wasn’t bothered. He felt a bit more relaxed than he usually was.

Which was how it had been for the past week or so now that him and Josh were hanging out on a regular basis. And when they weren’t together physically, they were connected by text messages or phone calls. Sometimes even facetime sessions.

Tyler loved their facetime sessions.

“I, um. I kind of have a friend now. We just met a few weeks ago but we’ve been getting along really well.”

Doctor Carol had a small smile on her face. She was leaned back in her chair, relaxed, as if she already knew what Tyler was going to tell her.

“I’m glad to hear that, Tyler. Are you two,” She waved her pen, “romantically involved at all?”

Tyler felt the temperature in room rise significantly, “No, no. Not at all. We - he’s a guy - and we’re just friends.”

“Just because he’s a guy doesn’t mean he isn’t into you. You know that, right?” Doctor Carol leaned forward in her chair now, her legs crossed and the tip of her pen in her mouth. As if she was eagerly awaiting Tyler’s response.

“No, I know, but. I don’t think he - I mean, he probably like girls, so.” Tyler looked towards the thermostat. It was only 68 degrees in the room. He sat in a careful position, planning every glance and every twitch.

“Do you?”

Tyler’s eyes flicked towards her, “Do I what?”

“Do you like girls?”

There was a silence. Then she continued, “Now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t think we’ve ever had this conversation before.”

Tyler shrugged, “I don’t think it’s really been relevant.”

“Until now,” She stated.

“Until now,” Tyler repeated. He looked down, biting his lip to keep himself from smiling too big.

“So you like him, then? As more than a friend?”

“I guess.”

Doctor Carol smiled to herself, jotting something down on her notepad.

“Why this sudden interest in my… romantic affairs?” Tyler asked, clasping his hands in his lap.

“Have you had previous romantic affairs for me to be interested in?”

Tyler shook his head. He knew a few of his other sides had had one-night stands, and one of them even had a girlfriend at one point, but Tyler was never apart of those relationships. He, personally, was still a virgin, he had yet to experience his first kiss and romance was his very last area of expertise. He had never really had the patience or the interest to date. Until he had a friend, that was.

“Well, I’m happy for you, Tyler. It’s about time you’ve had someone in your life besides me.”

Tyler agreed wholeheartedly and Doctor Carol chuckled.

“But, you must also be careful,” She warned, “You know that sometimes it’s difficult for people to understand your disorder.”

Tyler felt a familiar sinking in his gut, and he looked down. The room felt cold again.

“I know-”

“I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

Tyler looked her in the eyes. He knew exactly what she was implying, and as much as it hurt him she was right. Tyler tried and tried, and he could hold himself down with all of the strength he had but he knew he could only prevail for so long.

“That’s not always up to me,” Tyler mumbled, looking down at his hands in his lap. In that moment he noticed how calloused his hands looked.

“I know, Tyler. Just,” She took her glasses off and rubbed at her eyes, “I’m glad that you have a friend; someone you’re comfortable with. But you and I both know it’s not that easy.”

Tyler nodded. He knew. He knew that from the start.

“I’m not saying you have to cut off all association, but just make sure your friend is aware of everything that could happen.”

Tyler nodded again, “I know. I was just trying to delay that for as long as I could. I’ll… I’ll let him know.”

Doctor Carol sighed, and put her glasses back on, “I know it can’t be easy for you,” She continued, “but I also know that it’ll work out better if he knows from the start.”

“Yes, I know. I know.”

He did know.

://:

Josh came over that night. There was smiling, laughing, a bit of piano playing (per Josh’s request) and being a bit close for friends, but a bit far from anything else.

Through the whole night Doctor Carol’s words rang through Tyler’s head.

Through the whole night Tyler never warned Josh.

://:

_“Hey, c’mon. Stop being scared.”_

_Tyler was terrified - eleven and terrified. His hands were shaking and his breathing was far from steady._

_“Dad, I don’t- I don’t want to. I have homework.” Tyler was trying to find any excuse to delay the inevitable. And today he wasn’t lying; he did actually have homework._

_His dad kept his hand on Tyler’s thigh, now gripping it even tighter to stop him from squirming._

_“You can do your homework later, son.”_

_Tyler stood up from his bed, and walked to his door, his hand on the doorknob. His father grabbed his arm and spun him around._

_“Ty, Ty, Ty - wait, hold on. Don’t leave.”_

_“Dad, it’s weird I don’t-”_

_His dad grabbed him by both of his biceps and squeezed tight, shaking him.  
“It’s not weird! Stop saying that! I am your father, Tyler Robert Joseph, and you will listen to me!” He screamed in his face and at the mention of his full name, Tyler felt his inner resolution to fight his father crumble as he curled in on himself, and silently accepted defeat._

_His dad threw him across the room and he landed on his bed._

_“I-I don’t-”_

_“I don’t fucking care what you want. You don’t get a say.”_

_Tears welled up in Tyler’s eyes. He briefly wondered if he’d ever get a break from this. From this life he was supposedly living. He didn’t feel like he was living, though. He felt like he was being dragged through each day, and he was sure his brain would explode any second._

_His dad locked the door and walked towards him, his eyes focused on Tyler’s torso._

_(Tyler couldn’t remember the inbetween)_

_His dad unlocked the door, and with one foot out he whispered to Tyler the same thing he whispered after every time, “Remember: this is just between us.”_

_Tyler nodded, silent as usual. His dad left and Tyler - feeling foreign and disgusted - buried himself in blankets and laid there. His homework was no longer relevant, and he had no motivation to get up and do anything else. He vaguely heard his mom enter the house._

_Tyler closed his eyes and silently (always silently) wished for death._

://:

Tyler’s eyes shot open and it took him a few seconds to realize that he had fallen asleep on his couch. He looked towards the TV that had gone back to the Netflix home screen, and his head was resting on something hard.

He looked up and Josh had fallen asleep while sitting upright, Tyler’s head in his lap.

He remembers inviting Josh over for a movie night.

Tyler jumped from the couch immediately, blood pumping in his ears and behind his eyes. He scratched at his scalp, trying to clear his thoughts. The back of his brain was in extreme pain and the fact that Tyler knew what that meant scared him.

He couldn’t become someone else while Josh was there. No, he couldn’t allow that.

“Stop, stop, stop,” he whispered to himself.

His head shook from side to side rapidly.

He ran into his bedroom and locked the door behind him, his knees hitting the ground in a prayer-like position.

“Stop!” He screamed at himself, his eyes beginning to burn with tears.

He had to fight it this time, he had to there was no other choice. He knew Blurry was violent and he didn’t even want to imagine what he would do if he walked out to find another human being on his couch.

The throbbing in his head intensified, and he screamed, hoping to scare him off at the very least. His fingernails dug into his scalp and he removed them, finding blood on his fingertips and under his nails.

Tears fell and distorted the view he had of his hands.

How fitting.

He put his arms around his stomach, shaking his head back and forth.

“Tyler, Tyler, Tyler,” he whispered to himself over and over again.

The door handle clicked and Tyler was very very glad he had locked it.

There was a small knock on the door followed by a voice.

“Tyler?”

No response.

“Are you okay in there?”

No response.

“I heard screaming.”

Tyler put his hands over his eyes and wiped the tear tracks from his cheeks. “I’m fine Josh, just-” The pain hit Tyler even harder that time, knocking him on the ground. He pounded his fist on the floor, crying out in agony.

“Tyler? What’s wrong?” Josh jiggled the door handle, desperately trying to get inside.  
“Let me in, Tyler, please you’re scaring me.”

Tyler screamed again, all of his senses were surrounding him in a oxygen-depriving manner, the claws from the back of his brain quickly working forwards.  
He gritted his teeth, and used all of his strength to stand up and open his bedroom door.

“Tyle- Why are you bleeding? What happened?”

He grabbed Josh by the shoulders, “You. Have. To. Leave.” He knew he couldn’t fight Blurry, he was far too strong and Josh wouldn’t even know what to do. Tyler’s heart was pleading within that Josh would get out of there before he hurt him.

“I’m not leaving you, Tyler-”

Tyler sank to his knees once again, screaming in pain as he felt the claws take over. For a quick second he didn’t even know why he was fighting. There was no point. Clearly each time he would lose, and each time he would be in excruciating pain and each time he would scream to an empty sky. He used to think that one half of his heart was free. That was clearly not the case. His entire heart felt weighed down. By what, he wasn’t sure, but it was weighed down and in the end that’s all that really mattered.

Tyler paused. He took his hands from where they were placed on his head and looked down at them.

They looked soft.

He stood up and made his way to the bathroom, pushing right past Josh who was standing stock still - completely frozen. He shut the door and looked into the broken mirror. He could still see his reflection; albeit a broken reflection.

There is no Tyler, he thought to himself. Just the very name disgusted him. He shook his head, and noticed he was standing on pieces of broken glass. He didn’t feel it in anyway whatsoever.

He smiled.

There was a knock on the door that startled him, “Tyler? What’s going on? Are you okay?”

He turned around and whipped the bathroom door open, taking Josh by his shoulders and pinning him against the nearest wall.

“There is no Tyler!” He shouted, causing Josh’s eyes to widen and his muscles to tense up.

“W-what are you - I’m confused, Tyler-”

“Shut up! Stop talking!” Blurry cried, throwing Josh to the side. He fell on his back, still staring at Tyler’s form in disbelief.

Blurry put his hands back on his head. Tyler was fighting hard to regain consciousness, harder than he usually fought.

As if he had something to fight for.

Blurry threw his fist into the wall, because he knew pain was the best was to scare Tyler off.

“Go away!” He screamed as he removed his fist from the wall. His hand felt hot and several of his bones cracked, but once again, it did not affect him in anyway.

He stood there for a second, trying to gather his thoughts.

Blurry looked to the right, at Josh who was still on the floor watching everything unfold with fear in his eyes. He scrambled to stand up, keeping his eyes fixated on Tyler’s body the whole time.

“Who… who are you?” He asked cautiously.

Blurry walked towards him in slow, but steady steps. Calculated. Precise.

“I am the strong one. I am ashamed to hold the same body as these weak others.” He looked down at his hands and started picking at his palms.

“What… are you doing?” Josh asked.

“There’s… so much blood,” Blurry stopped picking at them and shook his hands; but the blood was still there and still prominent.

Josh watched him interact with his hands for a few seconds and then swallowed before asking, “How many of you are there?”

Blurry’s gaze shot up towards Josh. He walked towards him faster, wrapping his hand around Josh’s neck, and pinning him against another wall. His grip was just tight enough to confuse his breathing, but not tight enough to cut it off completely.

He knew he could cut off his breathing without a second thought, but there was a voice deep within asking him not to harm this life to an extreme extent.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your concern.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry you’re right. Just - please - I’m sorry.”

Blurry’s eye twitched.

“Where’s - where’s Tyler?”

He put his other hand on Josh’s throat and pressed his thumbs in the middle so that his breathing was now completely restricted.  
“There is no Tyler!” He shouted, pressing his thumbs in even tighter until Josh was gasping for air, he cheeks turning purple.

Josh put his hands on Tyler’s, silently begging for him to release his grip.

“T-tyler.”

“Stop!” Blurry cried, releasing his grip from Josh’s throat as he felt a familiar presence work it’s way from the back of his head to the front.

“No, no, no it’s not fair!” He clawed at his scalp, reopening cuts that had just began to heal. He screamed at the top of his lungs, desperately afraid of losing the light he had for such a short amount of time. His hands tightened on his hair, doing anything to ensure his own survival.

“Tyler,” Josh called again from where he was sitting against the wall, his throat purple. His voice sounded scratchy.

“Shut up!” Blurry yelled at Josh, and he screamed one last time before his entire body collapsed on the ground.

He appeared to be asleep. Josh sat still on the floor watching Tyler’s chest rise and fall steadily.  
Josh was in pain. His shoulder hurt, his back hurt and every breath was like swallowing fire due to almost being choked out. He didn’t want to leave, though. Not when Tyler was in such a vulnerable state. Only a few minutes had passed when Tyler’s eyes fluttered open, and he confusedly propped himself up on his elbows, looking around.

He took his time, surveying the living room that appeared to be the same as it was when he last remembered it. His gaze slowly moved to the right, and he froze completely upon seeing Josh and taking in his state of being.

“Josh?” He whispered, standing up and walking towards him. He sat down in front of him and Josh noticed a physical difference between Tyler and Blurry.

“Are you okay?”

Josh didn’t answer because speaking was far too painful, so he shook his head, and then winced due to the movement stretching out the skin on his neck.

“What’s wrong? Why aren’t you talking?” Tyler placed one hand on the side of Josh’s face and stroked his thumb across his cheek. It was such a soft, caring movement. Josh couldn’t help but shed a tear. He was so relieved to see Tyler again.

Josh raised his hand and pointed to his throat.

Tyler looked down and gasped.  
“Who… who did that to you? How did that even happen? We were just sleeping and-”

Josh let out a broken sob, and then gritted his teeth in pain.

“I didn’t-” Tyler cut himself off. He thought back to his last memory before going to sleep. They were sitting on the couch. Watching Netflix.

Tyler thought of the dry pain he had in his head, and he stared at Josh’s neck, studying the imprints.

“I’m so sorry,” Tears started rolling down Tyler’s cheeks in quick succession, and he did nothing to stop them.  
“I’m so sorry,” He repeated, pleading for Josh’s forgiveness.

Josh took Tyler’s hands from where they were placed on either side of his face, and brought them up to his lips, kissing them.  
_It’s okay,_ Josh mouthed slowly, hoping Tyler would understand him.

Tyler nodded, trying to compose himself. He felt horrible. Never in his life had he harmed someone he cared about, mostly due to the fact that he had never really cared about anyone to the extent he cared about Josh.

He needed Josh. His stomach sank as he realized this.

Josh placed Tyler’s hands over his heart to feel his heartbeat. It was such a soothing gesture especially considering that Tyler could’ve easily knocked Josh unconscious a mere few minutes ago. Technically it wasn’t Tyler, but technically, it was Tyler.

He felt so empty.

“We need to get you to a hospital,” Tyler advised, helping Josh to stand up.

He shook his head and whispered, “Can’t.”

“Why not?”

He pointed to the marks on his neck, “They’d file a report. Police.”

“I don’t care, Josh, you need medical attention,” Tyler argued, his eyes flicking back and forth between Josh’s.

Josh shook his head yet again, “I care.”

And Tyler stopped. His head was screaming a million things and his heart was pounding a million beats per minute because this man, this human being that he almost killed cared about him so much that he didn’t want to go to the hospital in case of Tyler getting in trouble. He didn’t want Tyler to have to face the repercussions that he thought he deserved at the very least.

“Josh,” Tyler started. Josh just continued looking at him through glassy eyes and a stained complexion. “I’m so sorry,” He continued after a moment of silence. He pulled Josh into a tight embrace, careful not to touch his neck.

They both stayed like that for a few moments. No words, no lights, and nobody else interfering. They were wrapped around each other, and Tyler thought it was very fitting.

He felt secure, yet he couldn’t be entirely sure if Josh felt the same.

He felt broken.

://:

Tyler woke up to no one by his side. Although he had been living alone for quite sometime, this morning felt more lonely than all of the others.

He missed Josh.

It had only been three days since Tyler dropped Josh back off at his house with plenty of medicines and soothing lotions, but two days felt like an eternity considering they had talked daily whether they saw each other or not. He felt his resolve to leave Josh alone begin to crumble.

Tyler took his phone from the nightstand beside him and dialed Josh’s number.

It rang once.

“Hello?” A very hoarse voice greeted.

“Hey, Josh. It’s Tyler.”

“Yeah, I know. How are you?”

“I’m fine, but I’m not the one with a bruised throat. How are you?”

Josh took a second before he replied, “I’ve been doing better actually. I don’t think my vocal chords were actually damaged that bad. I think it was pretty much just the skin on my neck. I haven’t been talking much, so that helps.”

“I’m glad to hear that. I still feel horrible, I’m so sorry.”

“Tyler, stop apologizing. It’s not even really your fault.”

Tyler scratched the back of his neck. He may have agreed with that statement but that didn’t make him feel any better.

“I guess not.”

“Hey, are you doing anything today?”

Tyler looked at the clock on his bedside table. It was 8:30am. He had to be at work by 9:30.

“I have to get to work in a few minutes, but I get off around 5, maybe even 4 if it’s slow enough.”

Josh paused.  
“Do you want to come over afterwards?”

Tyler sat up on his bed, “Yeah, I’d love to.”

“Sick. Well, I’ll see you then.”

Tyler nodded and then remembered Josh couldn’t see him, “Yeah, okay. See you then.”

They hung up without another word and Tyler felt a bit less lonely now.

He showered, put on his dark blue shirt, khaki pants, and his name tag with the title “Manager” written across it. He hated his job and honestly didn’t know why he hadn’t found another one yet.

He smoothed out the wrinkles in his outfit and took off, eager to get the day over with.

://:

Tyler got out of his car and nervously walked to the front door that he had only seen once before. He raised his hand to knock, and then stopped.

He looked down at himself. He was wearing a dark cut-off T-shirt, dark black jeans and black Vans. His tattoos were clearly visible to anyone just glancing at him, and he hoped Josh wouldn’t ask what they meant. Mostly because Tyler didn’t even know what they meant.

Only Blurry knew what they meant. They were his tattoos.

Tyler very briefly debated going back home and grabbing a jacket, but then just decided to knock before he ended up calling the whole thing off.

Josh answered the door wearing a thick blue sweater (that contrasted nicely with his red hair) and dark black jeans. He looked nice. Rested.

“Tyler,” Josh said, immediately wrapping him up in a hug. His voice was still hoarse, but he did sound better and Tyler had to admit that being held by Josh made him feel a bit better.

“Josh, I-”

“Tyler,” Josh said, holding Tyler by the shoulders, “Stop apologizing. Look at me, I’m fine. Really.”

Tyler nodded, “Okay. I still feel horrible, though.”

“Don’t. I missed you. I’m glad you’re here.”

Tyler let out a deep breath, “Okay. I’m glad I’m here too.”

Josh looked him in the eyes for a few seconds and then whispered - only partially because his throat hurt - “You know I still feel the same about you, right? Nothing has changed.”

Tyler’s eyebrows furrowed, “What do you mean? How do you feel about me?”

Josh just stood still for a second.  
“Well I like you. A lot.”

“I know. I like you, too. A lot.”

Josh nodded and offered a small smile.  
“Good, I’m glad.” Josh lead Tyler inside and he closed the door, making sure it was locked.

“So,” He began, walking up to his entertainment setup and picking up a console controller, “How about some video games?”

Tyler shrugged, “I’ve actually never played video games before.”

Josh’s mouth opened wide, “Are you serious?”

Tyler nodded, a smirk on his face. He loved it when Josh got excited.

“Grab a controller. Let’s do this.”

And so they played games. Mario Kart and Donkey Kong alike, Tyler did not succeed. His reflexes were slow, his timing was off, and he had no idea what he was doing half of the time. Regardless, Tyler didn’t think he ever had such fun in his life. He didn’t realize just how routine and boring his life ws until he became friends with Josh.

“No!” Tyler cried in defeat as Josh was the winner of yet another round.

Josh laughed and Tyler had never heard a sound so pure.

“That, my friend, is what I call,” Josh put his hands behind his head and crossed his legs, “Bringing out the big guns.”

Tyler laughed as well, and Josh watched the movement with playful eyes. He had never seen Tyler so relaxed.

They were both just having fun and it was so nice.

“I can’t believe you’ve never played this before. It has to be among the most classic of games!” Josh proclaimed, waving his hands in the air.

Tyler shrugged and laughed, “I was never really one for games.” That wasn’t exactly why he never played video games but Josh didn’t need to know that.

Josh simply shook his head in astonishment.

And they played another round. And another. And another.

Too many rounds to count later and their stomachs were growling, their hands were aching and the sun was saying goodnight.

They finally took a break, ordering Chinese takeout and waiting comfortably while discussing their gaming techniques.

Tyler admitted he wasn’t as good as Josh and Josh laughed and agreed.

Tyler thought Josh had a nice smile. He smiled big, and he smiled often and Tyler really enjoyed that. So he tried to make him laugh as often as possible. Which wasn’t really that hard to do, because he was such a happy person Tyler could make him laugh at the drop of a hat in the most literal sense there was.

The food came, the containers were opened and silence ensued as they ate the food they didn’t even know they were hungry for.

“Tyler.” Josh spoke suddenly.

Tyler looked up from his plate of noodles.

“I like your tattoos.”

Tyler reddened noticeably and mumbled out a small “thank you.”

“What do they mean?” Josh asked, reaching out to carefully trace the one on his bicep.

Tyler shrugged, “Not sure. They’re not mine.”

Josh looked confused for a second, but it then clicked in his head.

“Which one of you do they belong to?”

Tyler paused, looking down at his food.  
“The one, um. The only other one you’ve met.”

“Ah,” Josh responded, not seeming phased in the slightest.  
  
There was a moment of silence and Tyler took the dirty dishes that had been left on the coffee table in front of them to the kitchen despite any protests from Josh. He was placing them in the sink when Josh showed up next to him, leaning with one arm on the counter.

“Y’know, Tyler,” Tyler shut the faucet off and turned all of his attention towards Josh, “remember when you came in my house a few hours ago and I told you that I liked you a lot?”

Tyler nodded.

“Well. When I said that I meant it as, like, more than a friend.”

Tyler stood still.

“Like,” Josh moved closer now, setting one hand gently on Tyler’s elbow, and Tyler subconsciously took a step forward, “I’d like to kiss you. And such.”

“You would?” Tyler asked in a small voice.

“I really would. But I don’t know if I should.”

Tyler swallowed and carefully placed his hands on the small of Josh’s back, praying he was sending the right message.  
“I think you should.”

“Are you sure?” Josh asked.

“Positive,” Tyler replied.

Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler’s neck, reaching up to meet his lips.  
He was soft, warm and everything he thought he’d be.

Tyler was over the moon. Never in his life had he thought he’d acquire a romantic interest, nevermind one he’d actually pursue. Their lips moved slowly, ever so slowly, at first until Tyler slid his hands so that his arms were fully wrapped around Josh’s waist, even if he did have to crane his neck down to reach him at this angle, it was worth it in every way imaginable.

Every sensation in that moment was foreign, yet welcome and wonderful to Tyler. His head was full of air and his lungs were full of fire, and his heart never beat more steadily and consistently. He really, really liked this.

Josh broke off the kiss for a second, without moving his head too far back and he asked, “Is this okay?”

Tyler nodded, “Yeah. I-it’s good. I like it.”

Josh chuckled at his eagerness as he went right back in and their kiss was a bit more passionate this time.

Tyler wondered what they looked like from a third-person perspective. He thought about how if, at any given moment, someone were to walk in and see this, they’d clasp their hands in adoration, and then continue on their day, maybe even mentioning to some of their friends this cute couple they had seen that day.

Except they didn’t know.

They didn’t know the late nights Tyler endured, the torture and utter dehumanizing activities he had been part of for the first chunk of his life. They didn’t know the pureness of Josh and the perfect balance they seemed to strike when they were together.

They would be completely unaware of the gears that didn’t turn all the way (or more accurately, turned too fast) in Tyler’s head, giving him too many people to fit into one body. They wouldn’t know how Tyler had completely lost hope in life until he met Hope in Life itself and shook its hand. They wouldn’t know and Tyler wouldn’t be able to tell him, and that scared him.

But for now, being here with Josh that seemed to be the only thing that mattered. The fictional person who walked in on them didn’t need to exist, so they didn’t. Only Tyler and Josh existed.

It’s the way the world seemed to turn at that moment.

Josh broke the kiss off for a second time, taking him by the hand and leading him toward the bedroom without a single word.  
He guided Tyler gently so that he landed with his back on the bed, and then Josh swung his legs so that he was straddling Tyler. They resumed making out, only this time at a much better angle.

Josh moved his hand down slowly so that it was hovering around the upper inside of Tyler’s thigh.

Tyler hastily broke off the kiss.

“Is everything okay?” Josh asked, a look of concern apparent on his face.

“Yeah, no, everything’s fine. Just… would you mind if - like, we just… It’s just that-”

“Tyler,” Josh interrupted, smiling, “I don’t mind just kissing. We don’t have to do anything else if you don’t want to.”

Tyler breathed a sigh of relief, “Okay. Good.” He chuckled nervously and raised his hands so that they tangeled in Josh’s hair.

And they continued.

And Tyler was over the moon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Four coming shortly; please feel free to leave comments, questions, remarks alike. Let me know what you'd like to see in the next chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _"I'd be smiling if I wasn't so desperate."_  
>  _-Clown_ , Emelie Sandé

Tyler walked into his house, a sinking feeling in his gut. He hated it here. It was cold, dark and he constantly felt like the walls were watching, judging his every move in some way.

So he moved carefully.

He moved as if he didn’t hear voices and as if he didn’t have several different souls trying to claw their way to the front of his brain on a constant basis.

He tried to move towards his bedroom but found himself, yet again, drawn to his piano. He didn’t want to just play, though. He wanted to create.

He sat down on the stool and started a new melody.

A melody that reminded him of Josh, because that’s all he seemed to think about these days.

A melody that reminded him how he had never once in his god-forsaken life thought he’d have a friend, nevermind someone who enjoyed his company. Yet in the same melody, a remembrance of his hope (if one could call it that) that he’d find someone to share his life’s experiences with him.

He wanted love, but he did not think love was for him.

So he picked up a pen and wrote “Prove Me Wrong” at the top of the page.

He wanted Josh to prove him wrong.

Of course, he would never say such things aloud, but they were written in the air when he sang along to the piano, because, really, he didn’t know any other song.

://:

It was late at night, and Tyler couldn’t sleep. He was afraid to dream, afraid to reawaken memories that made him feel cold and hard inside, and afraid to remember everything that harbored his heart with a special type of loathing towards his own self.

Tyler crossed his arms across his chest, and felt the unsteady beat of his heart. He was incredibly tired, and he really needed to sleep despite the protests from his body to stay awake.

 _I need something,_ He thought to himself.

 _You need something to kill you_ , A voice claimed beside him. He looked to the right. No one there.

“Stop talking to me,” He said to the voice inside his head.

_It’s not like you have anyone else._

“I do have someone else, actually,” Tyler countered.

_Josh? You know he doesn’t even like you._

Tyler sat up from his bed, “Shut up! Yes he does! He said so!”

_He’s lying to you._

“He’s not lying - you’re lying!”

_I’m the only one you can trust._

Tyler put his hands on his head, shaking his head rapidly. He couldn’t let this happen tonight. Not tonight. Even though he was alone, he did not want another scene.

With blurred vision, he reached for his phone on the left and dialed the only number he had memorized, trying to calm his breathing down.

It rang once, twice, three times and Tyler felt anxious.

“Hello?” A groggy voice answered.

Tyler’s breath hitched and suddenly he felt foolish for calling.

“Tyler? Is that you?”

Tyler quickly answered, “Yeah- yes. It’s me.”

“Is everything okay?”

“No, yeah, everything’s fine just - I-I- sorry, did I wake you?”

“No, no I was about to get up anyways. Needed to pee,” He offered a small laugh.

“Oh, okay,” Tyler responded, “Sorry, I just. I had trouble sleeping.”

“You can’t sleep?”

“No, not really.”

“Okay,” Josh said. There was silence from the other line, the only sound being rustling, “I’m on my way.”

“Josh, you don’t have to-”

“Of course I have to,” He interrupted, “You’re my best friend. I want to.”

Tyler paused, “Well okay. Thank you. I appreciate it.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Tyler,” Josh chuckled, “I’ll be there in two minutes, okay?”

Tyler smiled, “Okay.”

They hung up the phone and Tyler sat there for a second, wondering if becoming dependant on another human being was a good or a bad thing.

He decided to think about it later.

In the meantime, he lied on his bed, staring up at the ceiling that was staring back down at him as he awaited Josh’s arrival.

Five, six, seven minutes passed by and then there was a knock at the door.

Tyler opened it before remembering he wasn’t wearing a shirt.

“Hey,” Josh greeted, eyes wide as if he wasn’t just asleep twenty minutes ago.

“Hi,” Tyler responded, letting Josh in and closing the door

The temperature was low outside, frost decorating the tips of the grass outside. Tyler thought it was very fitting.

“So tell me,” Josh said, wrapping his arms around Tyler’s waist, “What’s wrong? Why couldn’t you sleep?”

Tyler responded by putting his arms around Josh’s torso, and resting his head over Josh’s heart. His heartbeat was much steadier than Tyler’s.

Tyler shrugged, “I don’t know. I’m just afraid to fall asleep sometimes.”

“Afraid? Why?”

Tyler paused. He didn’t want to tell Josh about his nightmares (A.K.A. flashbacks) because he was afraid of what he’d think of someone with such a perverted past.

“I get nightmares sometimes.”

Josh gently removed a piece of fringe from Tyler’s face, “What do you have nightmares about?”

Tyler removed his head from Josh’s chest so that they were looking at each other eye-to-eye.

Tyler opened his mouth, wanting to explain to Josh everything that went on in his head: the sights, the sounds, the flashbacks, the horrors, but he knew Josh wouldn’t understand. No one would understand. Not even Doctor Carol (her intentions golden) could fully understand just what went on in Tyler’s head. He wanted to scream and cry and tell Josh all about the life he lived for the first few years of his life, but not only could he not muster up the courage, he _couldn’t remember_. He just knew it was there and he just knew that it was slowly killing him.

Tyler looked down to where their bodies were tangled, and then back at Josh, who was waiting patiently.

“Can you stay with me, please?”

Josh blinked once, twice, before he realized Tyler had no intention of answering his question.

He kissed Tyler’s forehead lightly, “‘Course I’ll stay with you.”

Tyler hummed in recognition, and then lead them to his bedroom. Tyler went to his usual side and Josh scooted in right behind him, wrapping his arms around him and holding him tightly, as to make him feel safe.

Tyler turned in the embrace, so that he faced Josh. He looked at him for a few seconds before leaning in and connecting their lips. Josh responded immediately, moving his lips in unison with Tyler’s.

“Thank you,” Tyler said, breaking away for a second, “For coming over.”

Josh smiled and held Tyler tighter so that their bodies were pressed right up against one another’s. He kissed him again, a bit more passionate, lasting longer this time.

“I’d come over every night if you needed it.”

Tyler felt warm all over and he wondered if it was because of the covers over them, or Josh’s extra body heat, but either way Tyler loved whatever he was feeling. He wanted this all the time, really.

“Every night in the middle of the night?”

“Every night in the middle of the night.”

Tyler smiled and took a deep breath, allowing the emotions inside of him to stir their way from his heart, to toes, to his fingertips and then right behind his eyes.

Josh kissed Tyler one last time, keeping it brief and light, “Goodnight, love.”

Something in Tyler twitched at the nickname.

“Goodnight, Josh.”

They fell asleep warm, intertwined and safe and Tyler wished it was always this simple.

://:

Another Wednesday morning arrived, and Tyler was yet again waiting patiently until Doctor Carol was ready to see him. He was in a different chair today, though, the one more toward the left of the wall rather than the right - a minor and/or insignificant detail to anyone else but to Tyler it meant the world.

He felt different today. Confident.

It was nice.

“You ready, Tyler?”

Tyler turned his head towards the voice, and Doctor Carol had her door open for him.

“As always,” He replied, walking into the office.

Her office was decorated in small Christmas ornaments here and there, with snowflakes along the edges of the wall. Tyler had almost forgotten that it was already so far into the year.

He checked his phone. The date was December 20th.

He took a deep breath, trying not to let himself get angry over how much he hated each and every holiday. He was alone for each of them, and the commercialization of it all made his heart ache. Commercials of happy families sitting around a dinner table aired on TV constantly, and there wasn’t anything that Tyler could relate to less. So he watched the commercials with stone cold eyes and an unfeeling heart. He was never part of a family like that (or a family at all if you asked him) and so he didn’t understand why dad and his son would play sports in the yard. Why the mother would make dinner for them all, serving it with a smile. Why siblings hugged and tried to fix each other’s scrapes with cartoon bandaids. He didn’t understand (secretly he wanted to) and he was convinced he never would.

He tried not to let it bother him.

“How are you feeling today, then?”

Tyler turned his attention towards Doctor Carol, “I’m pretty good, actually.”

She raised her eyebrows, “Really? I can’t remember the last time I heard you say that.”

Tyler chuckled, “Yeah I know. I just… got a good night’s sleep, I guess.” His cheeks turned a bit red at that and he tried to will it away.

When Tyler looked back up at Doctor Carol, she was sitting there with a smug look on her face.

“It makes me really happy to see you like this, Tyler. Several of my patients with similar physiological situations as you find themselves unable to love, or even be in a stable relationship. For awhile I feared that it was the same with you, but. You’ve shown me otherwise. I’m really proud of you,” She stated, her eyes full of earnest praise.

Tyler looked towards the carpet and picked at the fringe on his jeans. He really needed a new pair.

“Thank you,” He mumbled, his face growing hot. He was always uncomfortable when the spotlight was directly on him.

“You’re welcome. You deserve it,” Doctor Carol scribbled something on her notepad, and then looked back up at Tyler. “Would you mind if I asked you a few questions about your friend?”

Tyler shook his head, “I don’t mind.”

“Well, for starters, you’ve never told me his name.”

Tyler shrugged. He wasn’t entirely sure if Doctor Carol would be okay with him dating (or whatever they were doing) her nephew, but then again there was also a possibility that she was already aware of this. She seemed to have a pretty solid bond with Josh, and he was unaware of how often they touched base so he had no idea how to phrase his answer towards her.

“I, um. It’s… Josh - er, Joshua,” He corrected himself because that’s what he heard her call him last time.

Doctor Carol raised an eyebrow, “My nephew, right?”

Tyler nodded. “Are you upset?”

She laughed and then shook her head, “Of course not, Tyler. I just wanted you to say something to me before I said something to you.”

“How long have you known?”

She shrugged, “Since Josh had his first conversation with you. He was smitten right then and there. He knew I was your psychologist so he came to me and asked what I thought.”

Tyler was on the edge of his seat, “And? What did you tell him?”

“Well, I told him not to ask me for information. Even though this delves into my personal life, there’s still a boundary I keep between what is said in my office and what I can tell my family and/or friends.”

Tyler nodded along, expectant of more information.

“I also told him that he has my blessing. Not that he really needs it anyway, because he can pursue whoever he likes. Who am I to stop him?”

Tyler was very glad he had Doctor Carol. Really, he was.

“Did you ever tell him about… well, what I’m like?”

“Your Dissociative Identity Disorder? No. That’s cross the line,” She made a line gesture with her hands and they both chuckled.

“Well, thank you. I appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome. Just, please, don’t call me Doctor Carol at the family gatherings. Just Denise is fine.”

They both laughed sincerely and Tyler realized that he had been having a good day so far. It was cold outside, and it made Tyler smile - he had always preferred the cold over the heat. And today the weather was listening to him.

He felt good today. 

And he felt even better when he came home and Josh’s car was still parked in his driveway.

He walked into the living room, and it was empty. Figuring Josh was still laying in bed, Tyler made his way into the bedroom only to be stopped short when he heard movement coming from the room right before his. He turned the handle lightly, and saw Josh sitting on the piano stool reading through some sheet music.

“Josh?”

He whipped his head around, the look of guilt written all over his face.

“Oh - hey, sorry, I didn’t hear you come in.” He put the papers down and walked towards Tyler.

“Were you going through my music?” Tyler asked.

Josh clasped his hands behind his back, “Yeah, sorry, I just passed by and I saw them and - Tyler, these songs are beautiful. Truly. You’re a really gifted writer.”

Tyler’s neck heated up and his face softened, “Really?”

Josh nodded eagerly, “Yes, really! I’ve never heard lyrics like these in my life.”

Tyler offered a small smile, “Thank you.”

He let a silence pass by before he spoke up and told Josh: “There’s actually a song in there for you. Well, about you. I wrote it a few days ago.”

Josh’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, “Are you serious?”

Tyler chuckled, “Yeah. It’s - I mean, it’s not one of my better works but-”

“Can I hear it?”

Tyler shoved his hands in his pockets, feeling self conscious all of a sudden, “I don’t know, Josh, what if you don’t like it-”

“Tyler,” Josh interrupted once more, placing his hands on Tyler’s shoulders, “That is literally an impossibility. I’m sure I’ll love it. Please, I really would like to hear it.”

Finally, as he knew he would, Tyler agreed and sat himself down on the piano stool. He didn’t need the sheet music because he had played it over and over again so many times that it was muscle memory by now. So he let his fingers move and his vocal chords vibrate and his voice cracked a few times but he was hoping Josh didn’t notice or didn’t mind.

Upon finishing the song, Tyler put the heavy wooden cover over the keys and sat, waiting to hear Josh’s reaction. He felt arms wrap around his neck from behind, and Josh fit his face into the crook of Tyler’s neck. Tyler put his hands on Josh’s’ and closed his eyes.

“That was beautiful,” Josh said after a silence. “I’m in love.”

Josh removed his head from Tyler’s neck, and Tyler looked up.

“In love with the song?” Tyler asked carefully.

Josh slowly shook his head, “In love with you.”

Before Tyler had the chance to respond, Josh was leaning down and connecting their lips, a slow and steady kiss that made the world go dark. They were the sole two who existed in that moment, in that house, in that room.

Tyler stood up and turned so that he was facing Josh, who swiftly picked him up by the thighs and placed him atop the wooden piano key cover.

Josh was kissing him harder now, more passionately, and Tyler was responding accordingly. He felt it in his legs, his arms and all the way down to the tips of his toes: a sense of pleasure he could never recall feeling. It was like something out of a movie.

Tyler wrapped one arm around the back of Josh’s neck, and the other he tangled in his hair. Josh opened his mouth wider, sliding his tongue into Tyler’s mouth and he gladly allowed access, moaning into Josh’s mouth.

The hand Josh had on Tyler’s thigh twitched, and his fingers tightened their grip.

Josh pulled away, catching his breath as he put his forehead against Tyler’s. Josh’s lips were bright red, and his cheeks were stained. He looked beautiful and exhausted and Tyler didn’t think he had ever seen such poetry in motion.

“Tyler,” Josh breathed heavily. He removed his head from resting against Tyler’s, and looked at him intently so that Tyler almost seemed to squirm under his gaze. He reached out and placed his hand on the side of Tyler’s face. He pecked him lightly on the lips and then whispered, “Beautiful.”

Tyler felt so many emotions stirring in him at that moment he didn’t even know how to react. So he sat there waiting for Josh’s next move, desperately hoping he’d like to continue the path they were on.

Josh leaned in and kissed him again, placing one hand on the side of his neck, yet leaving his other hand tight on Tyler’s thigh. The way Josh’s lips moved again his made him dizzy, yet wanting more than he could possibly have. He tightened his fist in Josh’s hair, and Josh hummed into his mouth.

Tyler detached their lips, pleading, “Please, Josh.” He didn’t know exactly what he was asking for but he was hoping that Josh would understand.

“Are you sure? We can wait,” Josh offered.

“I’m sure. Please, just - I need something.”

“Okay, okay,” Josh agreed, “I’ll take care of you.”

Tyler’s heart soared into the sky, and he was sure he’d never see it again.

Josh took his hand from where it rested on the side of Tyler’s neck and placed it between his legs, palming the tent that had formed there. Tyler gasped into Josh’s mouth, a mixed sensation of relief and an intensified want flooded his veins, feeding his body.

Josh nipped at Tyler’s bottom lip, holding it as his own for a second. Tyler moaned yet again and he would be embarrassed if he weren’t so comfortable around Josh.  
Josh slipped his hand under Tyler’s pants, passing his underwear completely and grabbed hold of his cock.

Tyler let another noise escape his throat, as Josh gently stroked it a few times. He quickly took his hand away, though, and Tyler winced at the sudden loss of warmth.

Josh licked the palm of his hand, and Tyler watched, his eyes on his tongue the entire time. Josh offered a smug smirk as he placed his hand right back down Tyler’s pants and started pumping - going faster and faster with each stroke.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Tyler cursed into the air, burying his head into the crook of Josh’s neck and gasping for air.

Josh grunted in some sort of agreement as he took hold of Tyler’s face with his other hand and brought him in for a rough and uncoordinated kiss. Tyler’s hand twisted hard in Josh’s hair as he felt a new, and ethereal sensation burn in his lower stomach.

“Josh, Josh, I- I’m close - _oh_.”

Josh tightened his fist and pumped harder, occasionally rubbing the tip of his thumb over the slit at the top.

Josh leaned in close to Tyler’s ear and whispered, “You look so good like this, babe.”

The burn in his lower stomach released itself and shot through his length and was hot on Josh’s hand as Tyler let out an embarrassingly loud whimper. Josh stroked him through it, slowing down and loosening his grip a little bit until Tyler was completely spent.

The second Josh removed his hand he cupped Tyler’s face with both of his hands and brought him in for a long, sweet kiss. When they pulled away he took a second to appreciate the way Tyler looked.

He had beads of sweat dripping from his forehead, and his hair was matted to his face that had random patches of red scattering it. His eyelids were heavy, and he just looked so youthful and innocent despite the act that was just done.

He truly was beautiful.

Tyler leaned his back against the piano. He was exhausted. He looked at Josh who had the same look on his face, only he was still standing up.

Tyler tugged on his shirt collar, “Let’s go rest. In bed.”

Josh nodded and agreement and lifted Tyler from the piano. He walked him down the hall, pushing the bedroom door open with his back, and then dropping Tyler onto the mattress.

Tyler was half asleep when he felt Josh’s arms wrap around him and his eyes shot open upon remembering something.

He turned towards Josh, “Wait, what about you?”

Josh opened one eye, “Huh?”

“You did everything for me, but. I didn’t get to do anything for you.”

Josh smiled into the mattress, “You don’t have to worry about that. I, uh, took care of myself. While I was taking care of you actually.”

Tyler giggled, “Okay, but next time let me do it.”

Josh nodded and without saying another word they both fell asleep. Tyler himself had reached such an ultimate level of satisfaction he didn’t know if it could ever get any better than this.

He hoped someday, if he was lucky enough, he’d get to wake up and fall asleep next to Josh everyday and everynight.

If he was lucky enough, that was. 

://:

It was 10 o’clock in the morning when the rain started. It was pouring heavily, buckets and buckets streaming down from the sky and it reminded Tyler a lot of his childhood. He didn’t exactly know why but there was a certain underlying sadness that hid behind the rain and the dark clouds. It didn’t make him want to dance, it didn’t make him want to sing, it made him want to turn to the nearest bridge and plummet to his death. And a few years ago, he might’ve. Not necessarily today, though.

He pulled into the parking lot where he worked, and got out ending up drenched in water by the time he entered. He went directly into the break room, standing in front of the constantly blowing fan to dry himself off. He watched his employees filter in and out, only a select few of them acknowledging his existence. Most of the people here avoided him; only talking to him when it was absolutely necessary. It never bothered him much. He knew he could come off as rude, but that was only because he was afraid.

Little did they know.

He watched an employee he couldn’t remember the name of come in and sit down at their table, and take out a sandwich.

“Hey Tyler,” He greeted, taking a bite.

Tyler nodded in greeting.

“Crazy weather today, right?”

Tyler nodded again, “Yeah. I guess we could always use the rain, though.”

“True that, my dude,” He went back to eating his sandwich, and Tyler snuck a peek at his name tag: Mark.

Tyler moved from the fan, figuring he was dry enough and went into his office to prepare himself for a what was sure to be arduous day of dealing with nagging customers and what could really be defined as the outcasts of society. He put his head in his hands, taking a deep breath, when his phone rang. He checked the caller ID and answered, “Hey, Josh.”

“Hey - are you alright? You sound sad.”

“Yeah, I’m fine, I just hate being here at work,” Tyler said, adding a small laugh at the end for good measure.

“Oh, okay. Well, hey I was wondering - I mean, I don’t know if you already have plans, but I was wondering if you’d like to spend Christmas with me. And my family.”

“Really?” Tyler asked, sitting up in his chair. He had never been invited to spend a holiday with anyone before.

“Yeah, really. Plus my parents are dying to meet you.”

Tyler paused, his palms growing clammy, “Why?”

“Well because I talk about you all the time. So obviously they want to put a name to the face,” Josh said with a lighthearted tone.

Except “lighthearted” was the last word Tyler would’ve used to describe how he felt at that moment.

Tyler swallowed, “Okay. Well, yeah, that sounds fun.”

“Good, I’m glad. What time are you off work? Want to come over afterwards?”

Tyler’s throat was dry and itchy, he really needed a glass of water. He coughed and then looked at the schedule for the day. He was due to get off at 6.

“Um, I’m not sure. Might be getting off pretty late, so.”

There was silence on the other side of the line for a second, “Are you okay Tyler?”

“Of course. I just - I have to get to work. I’ll call you later.”

“Okay. See you later, then.”

Tyler hung up without another word and then mentally cursed himself. He put his head back in his hands, secretly hoping one of his employees would use his vulnerable position as opportunity to stab him in the back and end his life. He wished he was normal. He wished he was part of those commercial families that ate dinner around tables, kissed one another goodnight and called each other funny nicknames that only they understood. He wished that when Josh invited him over he would’ve just said yes rather than panicking and he wished he didn’t have to worry about becoming a completely different person at the slightest aggravation.

He once read about Monks in the paper who could will their heart to stop beating solely with their brain. And at that moment Tyler wished he possessed the same kind of power.

Nevertheless, he took a deep breath and stood up, putting an earpiece in his ear, a walkie talkie in his belt, and walked out from the employee room - hiding his fearful expression with a fearsome expression.

://:

Tyler pulled into Josh’s driveway, a scene that had become like home to him. After he knocked twice, and there was no answer either time, he decided just to enter, figuring that the door was left unlocked for this specific situation.

“Hello?” Tyler called. “Josh are you here?”

He heard loud music booming through a room next to what Tyler recognized as Josh’s bedroom. He wandered over slowly, hoping he wasn’t intruding on anything.

He knocked on the door and called, “Josh? Are you in there?”

The music suddenly stopped and the door swung open. Josh was wearing a bandana on his forehead, and he was drenched in sweat. He has drumsticks in his hand and Tyler’s heart rate shot up for a second. He looked really good.

“Hey, sorry, I didn’t hear you come in,” Josh greeted, giving Tyler a peck on the lips.

“Well, I see why. Or, hear why, rather.”

Josh laughed, “Yeah sorry. I like to play as loud as I can when I have a lot on my mind.”

“What’s on your mind?” Tyler asked, looking at the drumset. It reminded him of one of the first conversations he ever had with Josh, when he claimed to own a “pretty sick” new set of drums. And Tyler agreed. They were pretty sick.

Josh shrugged, “Trivial things.”

Tyler nodded at the vague response.

“So, um,” Josh sat on a stool, facing Tyler, “Do you think you’ll come? To my family’s house with me next week?”

“Yeah, I - yeah, I think it’ll be fun.”

“You don’t have to lie to me, Tyler.”

Tyler looked down at his hands, suddenly feeling very guilty. “I’m sorry,” He mumbled.  
“I’m not lying, though. For the record. I do think it would be fun, it’s just… I get really nervous around families.”

“Why’s that?”

Tyler flicked his eyes toward Josh and then down at the carpet. He shrugged, and then sank to the floor, sitting in a criss-cross position. He felt very exposed at the moment and he wasn’t entirely sure why.

Josh made his way over to Tyler, mirroring his position, and lifting Tyler’s chin so that they made eye contact.

“Hey, listen, if you don’t want to go that’s fine. You and I can stay in together and watch movies. Just the two of us.” Josh insisted, taking one of Tyler’s hands in his own

Tyler loved the idea (because really that’s all he wanted), but there was no way he could, in good conscience, keep Josh from seeing his family simply because of his own unvalidated anxieties.

So he shook his head, “No, Josh, I - I want to come with you. To meet your family. Really, I do.”

Josh still looked skeptical.

“I mean, as long as I’m with you I’ll be fine.”

Josh rolled his eyes fondly, and Tyler chuckled.

“Well, good. I just want you to feel comfortable. And we can also leave early if you get too overwhelmed,” Josh offered.

“I’m always comfortable with you,” Tyler claimed, and he thought that was the most sincere statement he’s ever made.

Josh stood up and helped Tyler up by his hand, immediately wrapping him up in a tight embrace.

“Can I tell you something, Tyler?” Josh asked, pulling away enough so that they were eye-to-eye.

Tyler nodded, “Of course.”

Josh took a deep breath, “I love you.”

Tyler chuckled, a strong admiration coloring his voice, “You’ve already told me that.”

“I know. I just wanted to make sure it was clear.”

Josh kissed him softly, and then claimed he needed to go take a shower. Then they could order some food, play some video games, cuddle and maybe (hopefully) more. Tyler’s heart felt a bit weighed down by the fact he was unable to cite a certain string of letters from his mouth that were begging to come forward. He knew he loved Josh, yet whenever the words were about to jump from his tongue, a hand lodged in the back of his throat lurched forward and grabbed the words, stuffing them back down in the recesses of his heart and it ended up not coming out at all.

He hoped Josh knew and could tell that Tyler felt the same and he prayed that Josh wasn’t offended by Tyler’s lack of speech.

He prayed Josh understood, most of all. He never knew love was real until he met Josh so it made sense that he had trouble conjuring up the perfect sentence. Either way his heart continued to pout, and Tyler himself tried to keep positive despite it never really being his strong suit.

They were sitting on the couch now, pizza box opened and done with, as they watched some Disney movie Tyler had forgotten the title of. He was sat with his legs sideways over Josh’s lap, and his head against Josh’s chest, listening to the most comforting sound in the world: Josh’s heart beat.

Josh’s hand was slowly making it’s way up and down Tyler’s back in a comforting motion and eventually his hand found it’s way under his shirt, feeling the warmth that radiated from Tyler. His fingers found a rough patch and he looked down at Tyler.

Tyler looked up at Josh.

“What happened here?” Josh asked, tracing his fingers over long, uneven lines. They were bumpy, like cuts that had not healed properly.

Tyler shrugged, “Not sure. Don’t remember.”

Josh nodded, confusion still apparent on his face as he continued to watch the TV. He took his hand from Tyler’s back, placing it on the side of his hip.

“Josh?” Tyler asked, looking up at him a few minutes later.

“Hm?” Josh hummed, not taking his eyes from the TV.

“I want to ask you a question.”

Josh paused the TV and looked down at Tyler, stroking his hair, “What’s up?”

“Um, so, you know how you say… like, what you always say to me?” Tyler was tracing a pattern on Josh’s pajama bottoms, purposefully not meeting his gaze.

“What do you mean?”

“The phrase you tell me. You told me today. And the other day.”

“That I love you?”

“Yeah.”

“What about it?”

Tyler looked up now, Josh sitting there, his expression nothing but confused.

“Like… how do you know it’s love? What if, like, you’re just… infatuated. Or… well, I don’t know but how can you tell?”

Josh simply stared at Tyler for a second, his expression growing softer and softer by the second. There was something in his eyes that Tyler couldn’t identify but it reminded him of sadness.

“Well, there’s several ways,” Josh removed his hand from atop Tyler’s hair and placed it on his lower back, “Personally, I know it because of the way I feel around you. I love being around you. I love the fact that you’re not only my best friend but also my… my boyfriend.” Josh said those last words carefully, looking Tyler steadily in the eyes.

“I like that,” Tyler mumbled, looking down and starting to trace a different pattern on Josh’s chest. He switched his position so that his legs were straddling Josh’s thighs.

“What else?”

“What else what?” Josh asked, his hand now traveling up and and down Tyler’s back. He remembered the scars that he felt and moved his hand back down, placing it on the small of his back, and keeping it there.

“What else do you - do you like?”

“I love your smile. It’s really cute,” Josh said candidly, laughing when Tyler tried to hide the smile that quickly grew on his face.

“You’ve already told me that one,” Tyler chuckled.

“I know,” Josh said, “but I love it so much I had to say it twice.”

Tyler rolled his eyes in mock disgust, his true feelings revealed due to the clear joy on his face. In this case, he didn’t mind.

Tyler buried his face in Josh’s neck, and Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler’s small frame.

“And hopefully,” Josh continued, in a softer voice as if there was someone around he didn’t want to hear, “If you let me, I’ll get to enjoy your smile for the rest of time.”

Tyler took a deep breath, but didn’t make eye contact with Josh. He kept his face buried; his voice silent. He felt safe, and he felt secure.

He closed his eyes with zero intention of falling asleep.

://:

_Tyler stood in front of his full-length mirror, wearing nothing except for a pair of briefs. He was small, he noticed. He had always had a small frame, though. He looked his age (fourteen) but he didn’t feel his age. He didn’t know what age he felt he just knew he felt poisoned. He felt his surroundings were poisonous and he didn’t know why anyone would make sexual advances on him. He was gross. His muscles were scrawny (his wrist littered with small, but deep scars that he can’t remember making but had no doubt he had done it) and he was always fidgeting._

_Something was happening in his brain that he couldn’t figure out. He wasn’t too concerned, though, because whatever it was he hoped it would kill him._

_There was a knock at the door and he jumped, immediately going for his nearest pile of clothing and throwing something on._

_“Son? Are you in here?”_

_Tyler’s stomach dropped. It was his father._

_“Y-yes dad, I’m in here.”_

_The door opened slowly as it always did when his father was entering._

_“What are you doing?”_

_Tyler shrugged, putting a belt on and tying it as tight as he could manage._

_His dad walked fully into the room, closing it and locking it behind him. Tyler’s skin began to crawl, and he started to feel a weird ache coming from the back of his head._

_“I know I never get the chance to tell you but, you’re my favorite child. Sometimes I prefer being with you to your mother,” He said, walking closer and closer. He grabbed the back of Tyler’s elbow, and Tyler yanked it away._

_“Don’t you dare pull away from me!” He whisper-shouted, grabbing both of his arms and yanking him close enough so Tyler could feel his father’s heavy breathing._

_“Get - get off,” Tyler whimpered weakly. He knew he wouldn’t win this battle. He didn’t even know why he tried anymore._

_“Just hold still,” He commanded, throwing him onto the bed._

_“No-”_

_“Stop talking!” His dad put his hand over Tyler’s mouth, “Just close your eyes. Let me have this, okay”_

_It was not okay. Tyler wasn’t sure what unfolded after that moment, because everything went black for him. He was no longer conscious of his own body. Another power was taking over, a power he had not previously identified. When he opened his eyes, Tyler had receded into the depths of his body._

_He did not feel like Tyler, he did not see like Tyler._

_“Get the fuck off of me!” He screamed, pushing his father to the ground with a force he didn’t know he possessed. His dad hit the ground, wide-eyed._

_Tyler went to his closet and pulled out a knife he had hidden in the back._

_“Woah, woah, Tyler what-”_

_“I’m not Tyler! Stop fucking talking!” He reeled his hand back and threw the knife down with full force, his dad narrowly dodging it._

_“Put that down what the fuck-” His father got up, and ran into the hallway, shouting at Tyler to put the knife down._

_Familiar footsteps came downstairs, his mom appeared from her room, all dressed up as if she were getting ready to go out._

_“What the fuck is going on?!” She asked, standing tall in the middle of the hallway._

_“Your kid is fucking crazy!” Tyler’s dad shouted at her as Tyler lunged at him again with the knife._

_“Tyler put that down!” She grabbed his arms and he screamed at the top of his lungs._

_“He’s hurting Tyler!” Tyler shouted, angry tears streaming down his face, “Both of you! You’re hurting him! Stop it!”_

_There was something inside of him. He knew, in that moment there was **something** **inside** **of** **him**. It was not Tyler speaking, it was not anybody that he knew that was controlling his mouth at the moment. Tyler was in there somewhere, but somewhere deep down relinquishing control to a new power._

_Everything for a second was blurry._

_Both of his parents just stared at him open-mouthed as he clawed at his scalp, dropping onto his knees._

_“Tyler Robert Joseph, shape up you piece of fucking shit!” She grabbed him by the collar and slapped the side of his face, her ring making an imprint in his face._

_Tyler blinked a few times; he didn’t know how he ended up on the floor, why his mother was grabbing his collar so tightly or why his knife wasn’t in his closet, but he immediately started apologizing, assuming he did something wrong._

_“Mom, I’m sorry-”_

_“You’re sorry? You just attacked your father and all you can say is you’re sorry?!”_

_“I - it wasn’t me, I don’t-”_

_She pushed him fully on to the floor and placed her foot over his chest, pressing down so that her foot was flat on his chest, restricting his breathing._

_“It wasn’t you?!” She let out a cynical laugh, the kind of laugh that crawled all over Tyler’s skin and pierced his eardrums. “You fucking - ha! It wasn’t you my ass!” She grabbed his arm, yanking him from the floor._

_“Mom, please listen to me, it wasn’t-”_

_“I’ve had enough of your lies!” She screamed in his face, pushing him so his back was against the wall. She put her hand out, palm up, and stood there for a second._

_“Give me your belt,” She commanded, far too calmly._

_“Mom, I’m sorry, I couldn’t control-”_

_“Give me your belt!” She screamed, stomping her foot on the floor._

_Tears started running down Tyler’s cheeks, his chest heaving. He vaguely saw his dad leave, slamming the front door shut. He slowly unclasped his belt, putting it in his mother’s open palm as she waited patiently._

_“Please-”_

_Before he even got his sentence out, his mom struck him with the belt right across his chest. Tyler cried out in pain, sinking to his knees yet again._

_“Get up!” His mom yelled._

_Tyler knew the situation would only get worse if he disobeyed so he told his weak knees to stand up._

_The second he stood up another whip came at him, harder this time because the belt had been folded in half so the aerodynamics were more precise. It came as no surprise to Tyler that his mother had this down to a science._

_He flinched, crossing his arms over his chest, but he was not prepared when the next one came across his face. His knees buckled, but he knew he couldn’t fall._

_“If you fall one fucking time, I swear to God Tyler, the next whip will hit you so hard you’ll bleed out before the ambulance can come.”_

_Tyler understood._

_“Now turn around.”_

_Tyler’s entire body was shaking, the tears coming down silently now as he turned around and faced the wall, gritting his teeth in preparation._

_“This is what you deserve for being bad,” She announced, whipping him relentlessly, one mark after another. He felt his shirt tear at one point, the belt hitting straight on his skin and he wondered if he had started bleeding yet._

_“Good”_

_whip_

_“Boys”_

_whip_

_“Don’t”_

_whip_

_“Get”_

_whip_

_“Hit!”_

_whip._

_She landed one final blow to Tyler’s back, and he screamed, his brain fuzzy, his eyes stinging, and his back completely numb._

_He heard the belt drop onto the floor, and his mother put her hands on his shoulders, shoving him to the ground. Tyler was thankful for the release of pressure from his legs._

_“I hope you learned your fucking lesson,” She said, marching from the house and slamming the door not unlike his father had done a few minutes ago. Tyler crawled into his room, the numbness from his back going away as shockwaves upon shockwaves of pain came onto him. He climbed onto his bed and buried himself under the covers, crying himself to sleep._

_For the rest of the night he was left alone._

://:

Tyler woke up in a cold sweat, tear tracks on his face, and a dull throbbing in his back.

He was scared. So, so scared.

He jumped from the bed, looking at his surroundings to make sure he was where he fell asleep. He was in his own room which was good, but he wasn’t alone: Josh was there. In his bed aswell.

He felt a familiar presence creep from the back of his brain and he knew immediately he needed to get away from Josh. He didn’t want to disturb his sleep, because he had done that too many times already and he felt bad enough as it was.

He made his way to the kitchen, resting his elbows on the counter and putting his face in his hands. He knees became weak, but he stood straight and he stood still, desperately trying to fight off the stronger one solely with his mind.

“Go away,” He pleaded quietly, the pain in his head growing stronger. He sank down the counter, sitting on the floor with his head against the counter.

“Please stop,” He tried again, except he knew it was futile. So he put his head in between his knees, hoping and hoping he would quickly be back to his preferred self.

He didn’t look up again until the light in the kitchen flicked on, and Tyler was long gone.

“Tyler? What are you doing? It’s almost 2am.”

Blurry looked up at Josh, his hands twitching.

Josh moved closer, blink hard once, twice, three times. He was about two feet from Tyler’s body when he stopped short, looking deeply into his eyes.

“You’re not… you’re not Tyler right now, are you?”

Blurry stood up, facing Josh with a steady expression, “Of course I am. Who else would I be?”

“You’re…” Josh scanned him up and down, “No, no. You’re him. You’re the violent one.”

“I’m not violent,” Blurry spat, his fists clenching.

“I - I need to speak to Tyler.”

His head twitched, and he sucked in a deep breath, “You are speaking to Tyler. It’s me, Josh. It’s me.”

Josh looked him deeply in the eyes.  
“No. No, I know Tyler. You’re not him. You’re not-”

Blurry pushed him against the wall, pinning him by the shoulders, “What does it fucking matter who it is?!”

“Please, just let Tyler come back, I know you’re hurting him-”

“Stop asking for Tyler! I protect him! The pain is good for him! I know what’s best!” Blurry yelled, convinced of his own stance. He let go of Josh, pacing back and forth through the kitchen, his fists clenching and unclenching.

“You all think you know what’s best for him well you don’t! I do! I know what’s best! I knew what was best when his father would touch him and I knew what was best when his mother would beat him! I knew it then and I know it now,” He walked up to Josh, pointing a finger in his face, “Stop interfering! Tyler needs me. He needs me.”

Josh’s heart was racing; this was all freaking him out, he had to admit. Watching who was supposed to be Tyler pace back and forth and talk about himself as if he wasn’t himself was a scary scene. And if Josh wasn’t so attached, he may have found it easy to just walk out then and there. But he didn’t find that easy so he didn’t do it.

Not that dealing with it head-on was necessarily any easier.

Josh was quiet for a second, unsure of what to say.

Blurry suddenly turned around, deadly eyes locked on Josh. He walked up to him, fisting the collar of his shirt with two hands, “We were both locked up, don’t you see? We were both tortured, we were both abused, we were both raped, Josh. Do you see? He doesn’t know any of that. You know who does? Me. Me and the other one.”

Josh swallowed, his voice shaky and his eyes brimming with tears, “The other one?”

Blurry looked down to the ground, shaking his head, “The other one,” He repeated, “He doesn’t come out much. Doesn’t like it anymore. Only comes when he’s called.”

He turned to Josh again, his face too close for comfort, “Do you see now? I bear everything. I need - Tyler needs the pain. He doesn’t know anything else. He can’t remember anything.”

Blurry looked to be fuming with anger. Josh wasn’t entirely sure, but he stood still praying he wouldn’t get hurt this time. Blurry suddenly took a cup that was sitting on the counter and threw it on the ground, the glass shattering into hundreds of tiny pieces.

“He can’t remember anything!” He shouted at the top of his lungs, stomping his feet on the broken glass. He screamed loudly, the sound being something Josh had never heard come from Tyler’s mouth.

He walked up to Tyler’s body, grabbing his arms and looking him in the eyes. He knew it was a dangerous game he was playing but he was scared and he wanted Tyler back.

“Tyler, I know you’re in there, please come back to me!”

Blurry shoved Josh so that he fell on the floor, tiny pieces of glass getting into his hands and onto his feet.

“Stop it! You don’t know-” His hands tugged at his hair, “You don’t know what you’re doing!”

“No no no no no no!” he repeated endlessly, as Josh watched Tyler fight to regain the light. Blurry stumbled, falling backwards and hitting his head on the counter, knocking himself out cold.

“Tyler!” Josh called, running towards him. He picked Tyler’s head up and set it on his lap, stroking his forehead and keeping any tears from falling.

He was so, so afraid and he just wanted Tyler back.

A few minutes had passed by before Josh thought to take a bag of frozen peas from the freezer and place it against Tyler’s head. He assumed it worked because shortly thereafter, Tyler’s eyes fluttered open.

Josh let out a sob of relief.

“Josh? What’re you doing?” Tyler asked, trying to sit up.

Josh gently held him down, trying to soothe him, “Hey, calm down it’s okay. Everything’s fine. You just fell.”

“Wait, but how did I get here?” He turned his head to the side and saw broken glass scattering the floor and then connected that to the sharp pain in his feet.  
“What did I do?”

Josh remained silent.

“Did I-” Tyler bolted upright, turning so he faced Josh, “Did I hurt you? Oh God, did I hurt you?”

“No, no no you didn’t hurt me, Tyler I’m fine.”

Tyler looked toward the mess again and hid his face in his hands. Josh mentally noted that Tyler seemed to do that a lot.

“I’m sorry Josh. I tried to fight him. I did. He-” Tears welled up in his eyes, “He’s so strong and so - so mean.”

Josh wrapped him up in a hug, “Don’t worry about it, Tyler. I’m fine. You’re okay, too. C’mon, let’s go to the bathroom. I have to check your feet to see if there’s any glass stuck.”

The second Tyler stood up, he winced in pain, so Josh picked him up and carried him bridal-style to the bathroom. He placed him on the counter and flicked the light on, going down to examine his feet.

“I’m sorry, Josh.”

“Don’t worry about it, Tyler, it’s not your fault.”

There was silence for one, two, three minutes.

“Josh?”

“Yes, love?”

“Do you still want me to come with you on Christmas? What if - What if I hurt someone?”

Josh looked up from his position on the floor. He stood up and wrapped Tyler in a tight embrace, breathing deeply.

“I know you won’t, Tyler. I know you won’t. And of course I still want you to come,” He pulled away and looked Tyler in the eyes, “I still love you, don’t I?”

Tyler looked down to the ground and Josh lifted his chin with his fingers, “Hey. I still love you. I’ll always love you.”

“Are you sure?”

Josh kissed him softly, but firmly, hoping that Tyler felt everything he did at that moment.

“I’ve never been more sure of anything.”

He kissed him again, finished bandaging his feet, and then carried him to bed. Josh made sure to place him lightly on top, placing the covers over him and crawling into bed from behind, putting his arms around Tyler and pulling him close so that Tyler was facing Josh’s chest.

Ten, twenty, thirty seconds passed by.  
“Josh?”

“Hm?”

“I love you, too.”

Josh kissed him lightly on the forehead.

“I know.”

Tyler was still riddled with guilt, but he felt as if the bad feelings inside of him were melting away simply from Josh’s extra body heat.

Tyler fell asleep again, and his mind may have been racing, his heart may have been uneven, and his breathing may have been unsteady but he was with Josh and Josh was safe. And, in the end, that’s all that Tyler really cared about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all. New chapter coming soon. As always, feedback and commentary is much appreciated


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _"Well you know, I'm a ghost. Pull the note out of my throat and leave me alone."_  
>  _\- Falling Asleep on a Stranger_ , Pierce the Veil

"Tyler, You ready?”

Tyler looked up from where he was sitting on his couch. He looked to the small bag he had next to him, holding a few T-shirts, a few pair of socks and some extra items. It was a mere few days from Christmas, and he was excited yet nervous, butterflies fluttering around in his gut as he stood from the couch, wiping something from his jeans.

“Yup,” He said giving a tight smile.

Josh gave Tyler that look that he always did when he knew something was up. He walked up to him, giving him a kiss on the cheek, “Everyone’s going to love you, I promise.”

Tyler looked to the floor.

“Hey,” Josh said, gaining Tyler’s attention, “You’ll be fine. You brought your medication with you?”

Tyler nodded.

“Good. And we’re only staying for a few nights anyway. Everything will work out, I’m sure of it.”

Tyler took a deep breath and bit his lip, “Okay. Then let’s go.”

They walked to Josh’s car, and got in wordlessly, Tyler still too nervous to form words. There was about a two hour drive ahead of them, and Tyler just planned on staring out of the window the entire time, watching the fields pass by. It was somewhat therapeutic in his mind.

The engine roared and the car started moving, and Tyler felt bad. He knew Josh was doing everything he could to make him less nervous and to make him look forward to the special occasion more, but he felt trapped inside his own head (as he always was). He looked over to Josh. His hair was pink now, and Tyler thought the color suited him well in regards to his personality. It was bright and attracted attention, as Josh did without trying, yet it had a softer side to it and Josh himself did.

Tyler reached out and put his left hand on top of the console in between their seats wordlessly, still staring at Josh.

Josh’s eyes flickered to Tyler, then flickered to his hand. It took him a second before he realized what Tyler wanted, and then he placed his right hand atop Tyler’s, clenching his fist so that he held his hand securely. His thumb moved back and forth against Tyler’s skin and there was a newer, more comfortable silence between the two.

Josh looked back at Tyler’s hand, rotating it so his wrist was face-up. He stared at his wrist, and then put his eyes back on the road.

“What happened there?” Josh asked.

“Where?”

“On your wrist. Those scars.”

Tyler was silent for a second.

“They look deep,” Josh commented. They had healed by now, except they healed over unevenly because as always Tyler never went out for proper medical attention when he woke up with scars or cuts of bruises. The scars were clearly identifiable even if you just glanced at his wrist. They were long and they were deep and they connected - they almost looked intentional.

“They were deep,” Tyler said back.

“Did you do that on purpose?” Josh asked carefully, his tone a bit quieter.

Tyler shook his head even though Josh wasn’t looking at him, “No. Well, not really. They were intentional but it wasn’t me that did it. It was… him.”

“Him?”

“Yeah. You know. The other guy. The one I’m not.”

“Ah,” Josh said, letting out a sigh.

For a few seconds there was only the sound of the road and the radio playing softly.

“His name is Blurryface,” Tyler commented seemingly out of nowhere.

Josh shot him a look. “Blurryface?” He asked.

Tyler nodded, “Blurryface. Sometimes he calls himself Blurry for short. Depends on how he’s feeling.”

Josh pursed his lips, and he looked like he had millions of questions running through his head. Josh licked his lips before he let the next words escape from his mouth.

“Can I ask you a question? About… about Blurryface?”

Tyler sighed deeply. He hated talking about any of the other beings that possessed him. He shouldn’t have brought this up. He knew Blurry got excited when his name was mentioned, and it just gave him extra incentive to try and take the light from Tyler.

Tyler took his hand from Josh’s and reached into his pocket, taking out his small bottle of pills that he didn’t take nearly as often as he should’ve. He hated the side effects, even if it did help him control himself.

Nevertheless he popped two into his mouth, swallowing quickly.

He connected his hand with Josh’s again and cleared his throat, “You can ask, but I can’t guarantee an answer.”

Josh nodded, “Fair enough.” He swallowed. “Why is he… so angry?” Even though Josh felt like this question had been answered by Blurryface himself, he wanted to hear it from the man he could actually trust.

Tyler looked out the window at the cars that were driving on the freeway, some going faster and some going slower than they were. There were police lights and sirens far in front of them, as if some accident had just happened. Tyler looked at the accident, and for a second he envied the bloodied bodies being carried on a gurney. He shook his head, quickly trying to rid himself of that thinking.

He looked back at Josh who was patiently (always patiently) waiting for Tyler to respond.

“Our upbringing… how we were raised. He’s still very angry about it. Only he is, though. The rest of us have reached a sort of complacency.”

“How many of you are there?”

Tyler thought for a second, “Not as many as there used to be. Only about three.”

Josh couldn’t believe he was just now learning about this.

“So how you were raised… it was an abusive household?”

Tyler shook his head, “Don’t - different subject, please.”

Josh nodded, “Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He raised Tyler’s hand to his mouth and kissed it, hoping he didn’t upset him too much.

“Don’t be sorry,” Tyler said after a minute or two of silence, “I wish I could answer more but I just… I can’t harp on it.”

“Don’t worry,” Josh stated, “I understand. It’s okay.”

He turned the radio up a bit, just so they had an excuse for not talking. They went ten, twenty, thirty minutes without sharing a single word between each other. Josh knew because he was staring at the clock, anxious to finally reach their destination. The car was starting to suffocate him.

Tyler suddenly turned to him, “He thinks I don’t remember anything.”

“Huh?”

“He thinks I can’t remember what happened. What - what happened to me. To us. But I remember it all, Josh. I mean, I remember curtains. Curtains opening and closing. Locks clicking. Stuff like that.”

Josh’s throat felt constricted, his breathing starting to get heavy. “I’m so sorry, Tyler. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. It’s not fair to you.”

Tyler paused for a second, his voice getting quieter, “Sometimes I wish I couldn’t remember anything at all. Maybe I’d be normal.”

“Tyler -” Josh started, even though he didn’t exactly know where his sentence was going. He had no idea what to say, really. Almost as if the English language was wiped clean from his memory bank.

Tyler just sat there and stared at Josh.

“I promise I’m always going to be here, okay?”

Tyler nodded, “Okay.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

The rest of the drive was spent in silence and when the radio turned to static neither of them bothered to turn it off.

://:

Josh pulled into the same driveway he had pulled into for the first eighteen years of his life, and Tyler was holding tightly onto his hand.

“Okay, we’re here.”

Tyler took a deep breath.

“Hey, Tyler,” Tyler turned toward him, “It’s not too late to turn around. We don’t have to go inside.”

Tyler shook his head, “No, I want to. I… I want to prove my worth to the Dun family,” He said.

Josh thought he was serious for a second, but when a smile grew on his face, they both started laughing.

“Okay well good luck, because I’ve been in this family my whole life and I still have yet to prove myself,” Josh said, and they just laughed that much harder. They took their bags from the car and waited at the front porch, knocking on the door.

They waited for about two seconds before the door flew open.

“Josh!” A short blond woman exclaimed, immediately bringing Josh into a tight embrace. She broke off the hug, looking him in the face, “Oh, it’s so good to see my baby again.”

“Mom, it’s not like I never visit,” He said, his cheeks turning red.

“I know, but still.” She said, putting a hand over her heart.

She suddenly turned to Tyler and he didn’t know what facial expression to put on, so he stood still.

“And you must be Tyler,” She said, pulling him into a less-tight, but still comforting hug.

“That’s me,” Tyler said quietly, suddenly forgetting every mannerism he had ever learned.

“Well I’m Laura,” She said pulling back so she could see Tyler’s face. She seemed to scan him, her eyes moving back and forth over his face. Tyler forced a small smile, even though he felt she was looking right through him.

“Come in and meet the rest of the family, yeah? We’re all so excited to finally meet you!” Laura exclaimed, leading Tyler and Josh into the house. Josh got a very warm reception from his family, siblings and parents alike while Tyler got an equally warm reception from these people he had never made contact with before. He was shocked. Pleasantly shocked.

He felt welcome and warm and it was something he didn’t ever associate with anyone besides Josh. Introducing himself wasn’t even a necessity, as everyone already knew his name. Normally he would be concerned, but these people all just seemed so kind hearted it was hard to harbor any sort of resentment against them. So he let one of Josh’s sister, and his brother engage him in conversation as Josh seemed to be having his own conversation with his parents and another sister, flicking his eyes towards Tyler ever so often.

“How long have you known Josh for?” The brother asked (Jordan, Tyler recalled).

“Well we’ve known each other for awhile now. About… 6 months, I’d say.”

Jordan nodded. A sister (Ashley or Abigail, Tyler couldn’t remember) had a certain look on her face. The same one her mother had when she first greeted him. As if she were searching through his soul, gathering as much intel as she could.

“Well, Josh seems to really like you. He never stops talking about you,” Jordan chuckled, and the sister elbowed him, although she was laughing along.

“So what do you do?” She asked.

“What do I do?”

“Yeah, like. Job-wise.”

“Ah. Well, I um. I’m a manager at a retail store by my house.”

“Which one?” The sister asked.

Tyler scratched the back of his head, “Walmart.”

Jordan’s eyebrows shot up, “Walmart? I love that place! Such great deals all the time.”

Tyler laughed, “Trust me, you would not think the same thing if you worked there.”

“What’s it like? Being a manager there?”

“Um, it’s not bad. A bit degrading at times, but then again it _is_ retail, so.”

They all started laughing and Tyler felt proud of himself for seeming so normal for once. It was good, it was nice. He looked over to Josh who was still chatting with the rest of the family, and upon making eye contact, they smiled at each other. It was going well. Conversations were casual, the house was warm and the smell of fresh bread lingered in the distance somewhere. Tyler felt like he fit in.

The doorbell rang and Laura went to answer it, throwing her arms around someone.

“Oh, Denise, look who’s late as usual,” She chuckled as a very familiar face entered the building, a taller man coming in from behind her.

Denise simply shrugged as she went around the room giving her warm welcomes, and did not even catch Tyler’s eye as she made her way into the kitchen, dropping off some creation she had made for everyone. The tall man was kind and friendly to everyone, and when he made his way to Tyler, they exchanged formalities.

“Hi, there. I’m Rod. Denise’s husband.” Rod’s voice was very deep.

“Tyler,” He greeted, shaking the man’s hand. Denise made her way back into the living room, and upon seeing Tyler, froze for just a second. She then made her way over, wrapping him in a tight hug.

“I was hoping I’d see you here, Tyler.”

“Really? You were?”

“Of course! It’s going to be so good for you to get to know everyone. You’ll fit right in, I just know it.”

He wasn’t sure why, but Tyler’s neck started to heat up, “Okay. Well, thanks I guess.”

She gave him one last quick hug and then walked over to Josh’s father, who was calling her over.

Josh walked up to Tyler, a grin on his face, “So. Have you started to regret your decision to come yet?” He asked bluntly.

Tyler laughed, putting a hand over his belly, “No, I haven’t believe it or not. Everyone’s just so… nice and honest. It’s refreshing.”

Josh gave him a small peck on the lips, “Good, I’m glad. Let me know if they’re suffocating you and we can go get some fresh air.”

Josh’s mom passed by, shooting a look his way while shouting “I heard that” towards him. They all laughed.

“C’mon, let’s go to our room.” Josh grabbed both of their bags which were still sitting by the front door and led him to one of the guest rooms.

“It’s pretty small, and kinda dusty but it’s not really in regular use. It was mine before I moved out, and then my dad tried to convert it into a study room, but he never really went through with it. Hence the desk in the corner and the non-functional computer, as well.” Josh pointed towards the wall farthest to the right which a cheap desk, against it, and a large (and ancient) personal computer atop the desk. Tyler could see the dust without moving any closer towards it, so clearly it had not been used in awhile.

“I like it. The room, that is,” Tyler said, spinning on his heel to take a look around. It was very cozy, and neatly decorated. There were two twin sized beds, and It reminded Tyler of Josh’s bedroom, the way there were many family photos, and the decorations that weren’t family-related were landscapes, or hipster-esque scenes.

“You do?” Josh asked, somewhat surprised.

“Yeah. It’s cute.”

Josh shrugged, “I guess.”

They quietly unpacked their things, Tyler listening intently to the sound of chatter going on right outside their door. Josh walked up behind Tyler and wrapped his arms around his waist. Tyler normally would’ve jumped, but he didn’t this time. He felt relaxed.

“Seriously, though,” Josh said, planting a small kiss on Tyler’s shoulder, “I’m glad you’re here with me.”

Tyler smiled and turned in the embrace so that he was facing Josh, “Me too.” Their lips met, and soon enough their tongues joined in as well.

They were only alone for a few seconds before they heard Laura from outside asking if anyone had seen where Tyler and Josh disappeared to. They simply looked at each other and giggled, before opening the door and reacquainting themselves with everyone in the room.

://:

It was the middle of the night, and Tyler was wide awake. Not only was insomnia a side effect of his medication, but he would not dare close his eyes in case of awakening a personality inside of him. Josh was fast asleep beside him, snoring softly, and Tyler didn’t want to disturb his sleep. Convincing himself that he needed to use the bathroom, he got up and quietly made his way to the door.

Him and Josh were the only ones actually staying in Josh’s parent’s house, while the others either rented a hotel room or stayed somewhere else nearby, so the entire house was silent when Tyler walked through it.

He flicked on the bathroom light and was for some reason shocked to find that their vanity was in tact. He shouldn’t have been shocked, though. He knew good and well that he was probably the only one within miles and miles that had a broken mirror in his bathroom. He felt disappointed in himself for some reason. For a second, he felt alone. He felt like he was back in his empty apartment, with his empty walls, empty bedroom and broken mirror. He felt like he was the only one in the world - but not in the good sense; not in the sense when you’re in such a good mood that nothing else matters except for you - no, in the way where you’re so tiny, so small that everything else matters except for you.

Tyler shivered. He decided he no longer needed to use the bathroom, so he shut the light off and went back to the guest room.

Josh was still sound asleep.

Tyler felt less alone.

He cuddled up right beside Josh, and watched as he started to stir.

Josh turned to Tyler, his eyes blinking slowly.

“Tyler?” He asked.

“Yeah?”

“Why are you awake?”

Tyler shrugged, “Couldn't sleep.”

Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler, so they both felt safe and secure.

“Why not?” Josh asked.

“Not sure,” Tyler lied.

Josh kissed the top of his head and sighed heavily.

“Everything’s going to be okay, love. Try to get some rest, alright?” Josh’s eyelids were fluttering closer again, and Tyler nodded.

“Okay.”

“Goodnight, Tyler.”

“Goodnight, Josh.”

And after a few hours (at 3:36am), Tyler fell asleep.

://:

It was one day before Christmas.

Snow wasn’t falling, but colored lights were blinking and dancing outside everyone’s house, and the grass was frosted over due to the extreme cold temperatures. Tyler had actually gotten a full night’s sleep the night before, as they went to bed after dessert and too many board games for Tyler to recall. He was the first one awake, as he often was.

His feet took him to the window, where he watched the wind blow debris back and forth. Weak tree branches were breaking, and there were no animals outside. The house across the street had their curtains open, and Tyler could easily see inside. It looked quiet. It was neat, but it was lived in. There was proper item coordination, however you’d be able to spot an empty glass left on a table there, and forgotten toy on the rug there.

It was dark until suddenly the lights flickered on, and there were two small children running towards a large, colorful Christmas tree in the corner of the living room. A young boy and a girl (probably not older than nine and 10), looked at the gifts in awe. They were neatly wrapped and Tyler wondered what their parents were like.

The little girl took one of the gifts and shook it by her ear, saying something to her brother. They both giggled.

Tyler’s heart ached.

The little boy took a gift next, and inspected a tag that had been attached to it. He clapped his hands in excitement, and then faced his sister, his mouth moving faster than the wind. They were eagerly talking to each other, words stumbling over one another’s.

Tyler imagined their dialouge soft, and inquisitive. He imagined them talking about their love for Santa.

_[“You’re so fucking gullible, Ty. Of course there’s no such thing as Santa.”]_

Tyler thought about the two kids. He imagined they were best friends. They had squabbles here and there, but at the end of the day, no one understood them as well as each other.

_[“Oh, God, no I could never have another kid. Lord knows this one gives me enough trouble as it is.” Tyler’s mom and Tyler’s teacher laughed. Tyler did not.]_

He imagined the sister getting bullied at school, and her brother stepping in and defending her. He imagined having a shoulder to cry on when one of them tripped and fell off of the play structure and scraped their knee. He imagined them coming home from school when they would sit at the kitchen table and do their homework, asking help from their parents. Their parents would lovingly come over and help them work out their math problems, step by step. And when they got the answer correct all on their own, the parent would high-five the child, maybe even give them a kiss on the cheek.

 _[“Your homework looks good; you should get a reward.”_  
_“No - stop touching me.”_  
“I’m just getting comfortable.”  
“I don’t like it.”  
“Shh, shh. Don’t get so loud.”]

Tyler moved closer to the window, so that every time he exhaled, a small circle of his breath steamed up the window. He put his hands in his pajama pockets and continued watching the children play. They were so innocent and Tyler envied them so much.

Something rustled from behind Tyler and he jumped, turning around quickly. Nothing was there. He heard something moving around in the kitchen, so he tiptoed there, peeking around the corner only to find Laura looking into the refrigerator. Tyler paused for a second, wondering what he should do.

He took too long, though, because Laura turned around, and put her hand on her heart, startled by the sudden presence of Tyler in the room.

“Oh, my!” She gasped, “You really scared me for a second, Tyler!”

“S-sorry, Mrs. Dun-”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, it’s fine.” She came up to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek, “And please, call me Laura.”

“Okay. Laura. Sorry for scaring you.”

She waved him off with her manicured fingernails, “I’m okay, I’m okay. The real question is why are you up so early? Shouldn’t you be getting some rest?”

Tyler shrugged, “I guess. I kind of have a hard time sleeping sometimes, so.”

Laura frowned, “Aw, I’m sorry to hear that. Is it Insomnia?”

Tyler thought carefully before responding.  
“Yeah, sorta.”

She nodded, “Yup, I have a friend with the same condition.” She clicked her tongue, and put a hand on her hip, “It’s really unfortunate.”

Tyler nodded, but stayed silent.

“Would you like to help me prepare breakfast for everyone?” She asked, pointing to the ingredients she had sitting on the counter.

“Oh, I’m really no good in the kitchen-”

“Nonsense, you’ll be fine. It’s just pancakes, a really simple recipe.”

So Tyler agreed, and he did his best not to ruin Laura’s carefully crafted pancake recipe. He was mostly just handing her ingredients when she asked for them, or cracking the occasional egg and stirring the occasional additive.

The atmosphere was light, their conversations were very surface-level (i.e. the weather, current events, Christmas), and the pancakes were coming along nicely.

“You know, Josh talks about you a lot, Tyler.” Laura said randomly as Tyler was flipping a pancake.

Tyler’s neck heated up, “Really?”

“Oh, don’t act so shocked,” She laughed, “He’s really, really in love with you, Tyler.”

Tyler froze, his moments still. He watched the pancake sizzle and he wasn’t sure if it was burning or not but in that moment it didn’t matter.

So Tyler kept quiet, as he listened to Laura’s footsteps behind him.

“Tyler?” She asked, after a too many moments of silence. Tyler whipped around to meet her eyes.

“Y-yes ma’am.”

“Don’t be so nervous, sweetheart, I’m not going to hurt you. I just wanted to talk about you and Josh, if that’s alright.” She said, kindness apparent in her eyes as she placed a hand on Tyler’s shoulder.

Tyler nodded, “Okay. Sorry.”

“That’s okay.” She cleared her throat, “So, what I was getting at is that Josh is really in love with you. And I just need to make sure, as his mother, that you have his best intentions in mind.”

Tyler didn’t hesitate before replying, “There isn’t a person or a thing on this planet that I would put before Josh, Mrs - Laura, sorry.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“I really do love him, I-I do. There’s no one that means more to me.”

Her expression softened and she wrapped him up in a hug. Tyler returned it, wrapping his arms around her and he felt very, very warm.

“Well, good. I’m glad to hear that,” She said as she pulled away, “I just need to know my son is in good hands.”

“He is. I promise.”

Laura wiped a tear from her eye and then wiped her hands on her apron.

“Well,” She said, chuckling, “Let’s finish these pancakes then, okay?”

“Okay,” Tyler agreed, smiling.

Tyler flipped a pancake, Laura added more batter to the pan, and they laughed when the batter made a funny shape. She took plates and silverware from cabinets and set the table. Lights flickered on down the hallway and Josh’s dad appeared, giving Tyler a clap on the back and Laura a kiss on the cheek, and made some sort of joke about why Tyler was up early to cook with Laura. They laughed and Tyler felt good inside. He wondered if this is how he would’ve felt had he been raised in a normal household.

Tyler saw Josh appear from the hallway and he took a deep breath in relief.

“Hey,” Josh said, a bit of amusement in his voice as he gave Tyler a peck on the cheek, “I was wondering where you went.”

Tyler chuckled, “Well, here I am.”

“You got up early to cook with my mom?”

Tyler shrugged, “Kind of. I was already awake so I figured I’d help her out. We’ve been having a really good time, actually.”

Josh laughed a very full laugh: his teeth showing, and his eye lines curling upwards. Tyler felt butterflies in his stomach as if he was falling in love all over again.

“What’s so funny?” Tyler asked, his voice bubbling on the edge of laugher simply from watching Josh laugh.

Josh just looked at him for a second, and there were so many emotions in his eyes Tyler had to look away for a second, as he felt overwhelmed by all of the affection in the room. When Tyler looked back up at Josh, he was still staring, a smile still apparent in his eyes.

“Nothing,” He finally said, “You’re just cute when you cook.”

Now it was Tyler’s turn to burst out in laughter and both Laura and Bill turned towards them, their conversation interrupted by Tyler and Josh’s.

“You’re not burning those pancakes over there, are you?” Bill asked, and Laura playfully hit him on the chest.

And Tyler used to want to be like the families in commercials with pristine living rooms, corny jokes and plentiful dinners, but their scripted familiarity could never compare to the uncut version he had right in front of him at that moment. It was almost too good to be true.

And as the doorbell rang, and more and more family came flooding in, Tyler simply watched. He did not resist when family members approached him, and engage him in conversation, and he was more than happy to take photos with everybody. Every couple of minutes, him and Josh would make eye contact across the room, and smile at each other: whole conversations sent through their expressions. Conversations more meaningful than Tyler could ever recall having with anyone before.

The sun had just taken it’s place in the middle of the sky when Josh’s dad brought a spoon up to his glass of wine to get everybody’s attention.

“Everybody, may I have your attention please?”

The chatter stopped and heads turned.

“Okay, so now that we all have breakfast in our bellies, it is time continue the tradition of heading up to Clifton Mill and seeing the lights on Christmas Eve.”

There were cheers (and one or two groans) from among the small crowd that had gathered in the living room.

“Hey,” Bill stated, pointing at one family member that Tyler couldn’t remember the name of, “It’s tradition. No complaining.”

They laughed.

Josh crept up beside Tyler and put a hand around his waist.

Tyler looked towards Josh, “The Clifton Mill? Isn’t that, like, an hour out?”

Josh shrugged, “Yeah, but we’ve been doing it since I was little, so. My dad loves it. He’d consider it blasphemous if we didn’t go.”

Tyler chuckled, “What’s so special about it?”

“You’ve never been?”

“No.”

“Oh, well, they have a beautiful display of lights that they put up around Christmas time. It really is quite something.”

Tyler hummed in thought, “Sounds nice. I’m excited.”

Josh looked at him closely for a second. He turned his head, surveying the room. Everyone was busy getting coats on and looking through bags to notice them in the corner of the room.

“Follow me,” Josh whispered to Tyler, pulling him towards the hallway.

Tyler silently obliged, despite confusion being apparent on his face. Josh pulled him into their room, shutting the door and locking it.

Tyler’s neck twitched.  
“What are you doing?” He asked, his voice suddenly small.

“Um, I-” He fumbled with something in his pocket, “I got something for you. But I didn’t want you to open it in front of everyone else when we open our presents later. It’s kinda… personal.”

Tyler didn’t move, instead he allowed Josh to come toward him.

Josh came close, so close, that Tyler could see the pores on his face, and the edges of his hair dye that had started to fade. He waited with bated breath as Josh took out a small ring box, and opened it. Inside was a simple, black ring.

“Don’t worry, I’m not proposing. Not yet anyway,” Josh winked, and Tyler couldn’t help but roll his eyes in admiration.

He took the ring out and held it before both of their eyes.

“I know it looks just like a regular ring, but-” He angled the ring so that the inside of it was highlighted by the light, “There’s a sentence inside.”

Tyler squinted his eyes and looked at the small letters.

_Tyler: for your eyes only - Josh xx_

“For your eyes only?” Tyler repeated under his breath. He knew exactly what it meant but he wanted to hear Josh explain it.

“Well, yeah, ‘cause, I wanted to get you something, but just for you. Not for… Blurryface or anyone else. Just you. Tyler. Because that’s who you are. Even when you - you switch, I can still see, in your eyes, that you are… well, you’re Tyler. Even when you’re not, you are. If that makes sense.” Josh was fumbling over his words, and the ring was unsteady in his hand, but Tyler had never heard a more coherent sentence in his life.

He took the ring from Josh’s hands and put it on his right ring finger. It fit perfectly, and Tyler’s throat was clogged.

“Is it okay?” Josh asked, quietly.

Tyler bit his lip and nodded.  
“I love it.”

He took Josh’s face in both of his hands and kissed him tenderly, Josh relaxing into the gesture.

“I love you,” Tyler said, pulling back only slightly.

“I love you, too, Tyler,” Josh responded.

Their lips met again and Tyler wrapped his arms around Josh’s neck, and Josh’s hands found their way around Tyler’s torso. There was noise from right outside their door, and then a knock came.

“Guys? Are you coming?” It was one of Josh’s sisters.

Josh pulled away, not taking his hands from Tyler, as he shouted back, “Yup, we’ll be right behind you guys.”

There was a delayed “Okay,” but neither Tyler nor Josh minded, as their lips reconnected once more.

Josh lightly guided Tyler to the bed, falling backwards and letting Tyler hover over him. The kiss became deeper, more intense, as Josh’s hands worked their way down Tyler’s back and stopped only right above his belt. Suddenly Josh flipped them over, so that he was on top.

“Can I… can I try something?” He asked, cautiously.

Tyler nodded, “Yeah.”

Josh kissed at Tyler’s neck, softly and then started making his way down his body. He got down to the base of his waist, and then pulled his shirt up so that it was bunched up around his armpits, and then Tyler took it off completely. Josh mouthed at his v-line, leaving soft little bruises.

Tyler’s breath hitched and he put his hands over his eyes when Josh loosened his belt, pulling his pants down to his knees. And then he sat there for a second, because he didn’t feel any movement from Josh. Suddenly there were hands covering his, and taking them from his eyes. Josh kissed him lightly.

“Just tell me if you want me to stop, okay?”

Tyler nodded.

Josh returned to his previous position on the end of the bed, kissing further and further down until he was at the base of Tyler’s length.

Tyler’s mouth went agape and he made a stuttered groan when Josh’s mouth covered the tip of his cock, sucking lightly. He took his time working his way down to the shaft, his bobbing up and down and going further each time.

There was an odd, yet familiar sensation running through Tyler’s veins, causing his legs to twitch, and his knee jerked to the side, accidentally knocking Josh in the head.

“Oh, s-shit, sorry,” Tyler said, lifting his head to see that Josh had come up, and he was rubbing the spot on his head.

He chuckled, “It’s fine. Just relax, alright?”

Tyler nodded and put his head back on the pillow. Josh placed his mouth back onto Tyler’s length, his hands spread over Tyler’s thighs. Tyler squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to move.

It just felt _so good_. He had never experienced anything like it. He bit down on his index finger, stifling the embarrassing noises he was making.

Without popping off, Josh reached up and took his hand from his mouth. Tyler looked down at Josh and became obsessed with the way his mouth was stretched, and his cheeks were a blotchy red. He took both of his hands and tangled them in Josh’s hair, pulling just enough to incite a moan from Josh.

Tyler put his head back down on the pillow, and let his vocal chords throw noises out of his mouth.  
Josh swirled his tongue around Tyler’s length and brought his head up to flick his tongue across the tip of his cock.

“J-josh, oh my _god_.”

Josh moaned against Tyler’s length, and Tyler was so close to letting it all out, but he wanted this to last as long as possible. He wanted to remember every moment of this.

Josh suddenly took Tyler as deep as possible, his nose touching the base of Tyler’s abdomen.

“ _Oh_ -” Tyler gasped and then he felt nothing and everything at the same time. He felt invincible, he felt invisible. All he knew was the tight knot in his gut and the pulsing through his veins. He was flying, he was falling.

And he watched eagerly as Josh hollowed out his cheeks to take everything Tyler had to offer, and then some. His throat was full (his heart was fuller) as Tyler filled his mouth, and he choked a little bit.

Josh swallowed as fast as he could, and looked up at Tyler, licking his lips. Tyler was lying on the bed, completely spent, as sweat glistened on his torso, and Josh kissed his way back up, passionately kissing him on the lips.

Tyler licked inside Josh’s mouth, and found himself in awe when he could taste himself.

“Josh,” He breathed.

“Let me-” Tyler started, but he didn’t finish his sentence, instead he reached down to where Josh was rock hard between his legs and Josh jerked forwards.

“You don’t have to-”

“I want to.”

Josh was breathing against Tyler’s neck as he tucked his hand under Josh’s underwear, and started pumping his hand up and down, trying to replicate Josh’s technique.

It wasn’t long before Josh came into his own pants, collapsing onto Tyler.

“I love you,” Josh whispered, his voice deep and scratchy.

“I love you, too.”

Josh’s lips came down to meet his once again, and the kisses were soft a tender, very different from what they were a few minutes ago. But that was okay.

They heard a phone chirp from beside them. It was Josh’s, and he checked it, cursing at the notification.

“What is it?” Tyler asked, propping himself up on his elbows.

“My sister reminding us to meet them at Clifton.”

“Are they already there?”

“No, they’re only about fifteen minutes into the drive. We should get going, though, we don’t want to keep them waiting too long.”

Tyler lifted his heavy bones from the bed and got up, straightening his pants and buckling his belt. Josh tugged at his pants.

“I, uh, have to go change my underwear real quick.”

Tyler chuckled, “I’ll wait by the door.”

Josh’s cheeks turned a light shade of red as he grabbed an extra pair from his suitcase and made his way to the bathroom.

Tyler waited by the front door, and at no time whatsoever did he shift his gaze from the ring that now sat on his finger. He was never one for jewelry, however the significance that that ring held was so priceless there was no way he’d ever take it off. His emotions tugged at his heart and he felt like crying.

He shook his head, taking a deep breath and listening to Josh rustle around somewhere in the room. He finally emerged, his walking back to normal.

“You ready?” Tyler asked, holding the door open for him.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” He replied, placing a hand on the small of Tyler’s back as he guided him to their car.

Tyler opened the passenger door and was about to get in when he decided to look across the street at the same house he was looking at this morning. He saw the same children that were messing with their presents, only this time they were dressed in regular clothes rather than pajamas, and they jumped from item of furniture, to item of furniture, avoiding the ground. Their lips were moving and they were shouting something back and forth towards each other as they hopped with the energy that seemingly all young children had.

Tyler wondered what game they were playing.

He finally looked away, and got into the car silently; it was similar to when they got in the car as they were heading to Josh’s parent’s house, only this time, the silence was much more soothing than cutting.

Tyler put his hand on the console, and Josh didn’t need to think twice before he took it in his hand.

“Guess I better get used to driving with one hand, huh?” He asked, playfully.

Tyler smiled and shrugged, “Guess so.” He looked out the window, and when he saw cars driving faster than they were he only gazed at the passing faces. Most of them were facing forwards, but every once in awhile there was a driver who would look towards him. He would flash a polite smile, and they would flash one right back, turning their heads back on the road.

Tyler took a deep breath. He looked forward to seeing the Christmas lights, and as he looked at Josh, he realized that he looked forward to being with Josh. At Clifton Mill, at his house, really anywhere. Because when he was with Josh he had at least some sense of security. And that was something he had never really experienced before he met the man that sat to his left.

://:

They arrived at Clifton, and it was surprisingly packed. There were families of all types parking their cars and lining up to pay the entrance fee and see the historic sight that had been especially decorated.

“Wow,” Tyler commented, “There’s a lot of people here.”

“Yup. It’s rated the number one place to see holiday lights in all of Ohio.”

“Really?”

“Mhm. Everybody loves it.”

Tyler was surprised he had never even heard of it before. Then again, he realized he didn’t have any friends before Josh so even if there had been talk of it, it would’ve been talk that Tyler wasn’t privy to.

They made their way to the entrance and payed the fee, searching for the rest of the family right as Josh received a phone call.

“Ashley?” He answered. Tyler tried to remember which one Ashley was.

“Yeah, we’re here. Just got through the entrance. Where? Oh, okay. Yeah, I see it. We’ll be there in a second.” Josh hung up the phone and they made their way towards a large water wheel, where everyone was admiring the lights.

“You’re finally here!” Laura called.

“We were only a few minutes behind you guys.” Josh said, chuckling.

“What happened to your voice?” Bill asked.

Josh’s neck flushed, “Oh, um, I-” he coughed, “It’s just a bit sore. From all the talking and stuff. Y’know.”

Bill nodded slowly, and Laura turned his attention to some of the light patterns, changing the subject. One of his sisters shot him a look and he simply shrugged.

Denise and her husband were nowhere to be seen, as they had apparently wandered to another part of the scene. No one really seemed to mind, because as long as they found everyone before they left that evening, they would be fine.

“So,” Josh started as him and Tyler walked around slowly, admiring the hard work and dedication that went into all of this, “What do you think?”

“It’s beautiful,” Tyler said, his eyes fixed on a particular building that had lights framing each and every individual corner. “It’s truly a marvel, Josh. I love it.”

Josh smiled at him, “You love it?”

“I do.”

“You haven’t even seen the best part yet.”

Tyler turned his attention towards Josh, his eyebrows furrowing, “The best part?”

Josh nodded, “Follow me.”

Josh took his hand and guided him through more lights, passing several barns, buildings, and concession stands.

Finally they arrived at an array of trees of all sizes. There were some so small they’d hardly be considered trees, and some so large you wonder how old they are. They were covered in different colored lights, all blinking in a pattern, forming some sort of show.

“Wow,” Tyler gasped. It was beautiful. If there was a physical manifestation of Christmas, this would have been it.

“I know, right?”

Several moments of silence passed by as they watched the lights perform. There were cameras flashing, little kids laughing, and adults marveling at the beauty. Tyler looked at Josh. The lights bounced off of his face, his skin turning purple, then red, then green, then back again.

Josh looked at Tyler.

“What?” He chuckled.

Tyler shook his head, “Nothing, it’s just. The way the light reflects off of your face. It’s cool.”

“Cool?”

“Yeah. It’s sick.”

Josh started laughing, never before having heard Tyler use those choice of words. He was really, really in love.

“I’m glad you’re here,” He said, wrapping his arm sideways around Tyler.

“I’m glad I’m here, too.”

They shared a small, and soft kiss, turning their attention back to the lights, just as fireworks started shooting into the sky. The fireworks were stunning, and Tyler felt them pulse through his veins.

He didn’t know this feeling before he knew Josh.

But now he didn’t know what he would do without either one. Tyler took his arm and slid it around Josh’s waist as well, leaning his head on his shoulder.

And if this wasn’t what life was supposed to be, then he didn’t want to know what was.

And from there, a surety ensued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading, I really appreciate it. Let me know what you thought of the story and I'd love to hear any constructive critisizms, or comments in general. Stay alive.


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